Whoever invented strip clubs and coin night is a genius.

Coin Night? Yes please... November 23-24, 2011

Okay so I heard about this little thing called coin night while living in Yuma. Basically this little gem is at a strip club called Club Platinum where you pay a cover of $15 and every drink for 1.5 hours is a coin. My friend, Dumbass, was coming into town and I was spending my day off cooking for Thanksgiving (the next day). Veronica, Edmond, Lily, Dumbass and I had plans to leave at 7:30 so we could arrive at 7:45 so we'd be early for the 8:00 start time.

I started to get ready around 6:30 and Dumbass was still not there so I called him, only to find out that he was in Indio which is basically 2 hours away. I was pissed, Dumbass initially was going to leave at 8am his time which was pushed to noon. However, he didn't actually leave until 3pm and it was the day before Thanksgiving and got stuck in traffic. I told him that it might be best to turn around, left it up to him either way, I wasn't waiting for him. I gave him the name of the club and finished getting ready. Veronica, Lily and Edmond picked me up on time and off we went.  I cannot express the excitement that we all had... OH MY GOD...

We got lost trying to find the place but thanks to technology and the maps feature on the iphone we were able to locate our destination. We paid our cover and walked into the club at 7:50, still buzzing with excitement and anticipation.  We purchased a warm up drink (this was a horrible mistake, for the record) at the bar and found a table in the back corner. It was perfect for observing the entire room and getting our feet wet. We also had a side pole next to us. A waitress came over and asked us if we knew what we wanted to drink once coin night started. We told her that we were coin night virgins and she basically told us the rules. Two drinks per person were allowed at the table. Any drink, excluding shots and red bull, were a coin. Tip of course was separate.

At 8 PM coin night was underway. I was drinking vodka sours and initially we started to get two drinks delivered and we'd order two more. We would steadily sip one and down the second when the waitress was walking back to the table. We continued at this pace for 2 or 3 trips and decided we would just store some drinks on the floor for a bit.  Yeah, you heard that right...floor.  Apparently, we are paranoid drunkards.  

After 45 minutes or so, I got a text from Dumbass that he was almost there and I headed outside with Edmond for a cigarette and to meet Dumbass. As soon as I got outside a guy walked up to me talking shit about the Colts (my favorite NFL team). I looked up to see this guy, Adrian, that I met before. He continued to talk, only I didn't care what he was saying because I was pretty buzzed. His words sounded like the teacher on Charlie Brown wa-wa-wa. Dumbass met up with us and we headed back to our table. I slowed my drinking pace significantly cause I was only halfway through coin night when suddenly a waitress walked over and said someone bought me a wet pussy shot and I had to do it as a body shot. I asked if Adrian bought it and she answered affirmatively. I then refused the shot, thought about it and on second thought decided to take the shot. Oh well, right? At this point Adrian texted me.

Adrian: “Had to”

Me: “uh huh...I might start calling you A**** (his real name) if you keep it up. Lol..I didn't forget.

Adrian: “I hate that name.”

Me: “exactly! ;)” followed by “Annnnd if I'm doing a body shot...it could have been a hot chick. I like brunettes.”

Adrian: “I'll send another shot if u keep it up.” Followed with “aight you asked for it...”

Me: “Noooooo. Stop!!!!”

At this point, a stripper appears. Not to mention our favorite stripper that memorized our whole table only minutes earlier when she climbed the pole 25 feet in the air and landed in the splits on stage. AMAZING! She was a bootiful black woman and she had a shot between her boobs. Ahhhh...Adrian!

Me: “Okay...That was alright...She's got some moves on the pole.”

Adrian: “How was your shot?” followed by “??????”

Me: “That was the chick I made Edmond tip for me when she was on stage...” (I was too inebriated to traverse the obstacles to get out of the corner and head to stage.)

Adrian: “Lol. I still like you, you know? I want you to write me when I'm in Afghanistan if that is cool w/you.”

Me: “Give me an address. I write 2 strangers a week. I'll send you a letter or two.” and “Thanks for the shots yumanji.”

Adrian: “Lol...Ur so awesome! I'm srry I got kids....I kno u hate kids...I do want to keep in touch w/ you so bad. Where u at????”

As I got that text, a round of Vegas bombs showed up at the table. 6 of them. There were five of us and two were not drinking. The three of us got those shots down and at this point the night took a turn toward ridiculousness. Vanessa fell about three times. We decided that even though Dumbass and Lily weren't drinking didn't mean they couldn't have drinks in front of them (for us).  We decided chairs on wheels are not wise for any establishment that partakes in coin night. Coin night officially ended and we had about 20 drinks on the table and on the floor. My belt fell off me and somehow Edmond started wearing it. Veronica received her first lap dance (which was free). We threw money at the little pole by us when two girls got up there to dance and somehow they left our money so we got it back. Dumbass had to help Veronica stand and Edmond started yelling at him to “get off my girl.” Nobody knows where that came from. I was beyond drunk and raring to go to another local favorite Derailed when I look at my phone:

Adrian: “That's it I swear.”

Me: “I am at my table still and thanks again. Please keep that promise because we are leaving soon.”

Adrian: “noooooooooo say bye at least.” Then “We are going to Cocopah (a casino) where are you going beautiful???”

Me: “Derailed....possibly.”

Adrian: “I want to go w/ is that cool???”

Me: (still delusional on my drunkenness) “Sure....why not?”

Adrian: “Let me kno”

Me: “Okay...Edmond is hoarding drinks...May be a bit.”

Adrian: “lol...ohhh yea and by the way....Ur sexy. I'm just saying.”

Me: “Thanks”

Adrian: “your welcome beautiful.”

Edmond, Veronica and I proceeded to try (and keyword here is try) to finish the 12 or so drinks left. I think we spilled four and left three and finished the others.

Adrian: “Come take a shot with me.”

Me: “Ummmm...I think the last thing I need is a shot”

Adrian: “ok....Light weight.”

Then, suddenly a shot appeared. Which I adamantly refused. I was hammered. I mean completely shit housed. I attempted to send the shot back to Adrian but Edmond grabbed it and slammed it. We decided it was probably best to leave at this point so we gathered ourselves which mind you, takes a while when you as inebriated as we were at this point. Lily was going to take Edmond and Veronica home and Dumbass was taking me home.

Adrian: “I did not set this last one up. I swear”

Me: “Uh huh...I bet”

Adrian: “Are u ok???”

Me: “Yes...why??”

Adrian: “Cause I want you like yesterday.”.... after a long pause “U ok Kelly???”

Me: “Yes”

Again, I'm shit housed.

Adrian: “U want me to come over and charm???”

Me: “no, I'm trying to leave.”

Adrian: “where u going???”

Me: “Home...I'm fucked up”

Adrian: “ok. Night beautiful.”

Me: “Peace out homey.”

Adrian: “Peace out girl...next time me and you.”

Me: “huh.”

Adrian “Don't act, where u at sexy?”

Me: “home.”

Adrian: “I wish u was there...hand massage all day. Lol.”

Me: “Where...I know I'm drunk but you aren't making sense....and your hand massages suck.”

Adrian: “I'm sorry...I want you is that clear? Let me kno what is up beautiful.” then “I'm so sorry my hand massages suck??? Lol...I just want to make sure your ok? That's all that matters to me.” then “Night Kelly....You are gonna be my pen pal when I am deployed...I will write you and email u everyday!!!”

I decided I had to write something to shut him up so my response was...

Me: “I'm fine. Passing the fuck out.”

On the way home I got in an argument with Dumbass about wanting Taco Bell... He said no and I got pissed.  As soon as Dumbass pulled in my driveway, I jumped out of the car and ran to the bathroom. I was okay and surprisingly didn't vomit. I stumbled out of the bathroom and walked into the kitchen where Dumbass was. He looked at me and said “You have a dollar in your boobs.”... I looked down pulled the dollar out and said “no, I have two.” as I pulled the second dollar out.  I then discussed Taco Bell again and my irritation for him not getting me any.  He offered to go then and having won my argument (cause even drunk I'm obnoxious and always right) decided to walk back to the bedroom.................................................

The next morning, I woke up on the bathroom floor at 6am. Apparently, the room was spinning so I grabbed a pillow and blanket and passed out on the floor at 11:30PM (yes, folks we came home at 11:15). At 3am, I woke up and didn't have the energy to get myself off the floor so I went back to sleep. Around 6am, I finally crawled and I mean crawled to my bed. Finally, I woke up at 10 am and realized I had to stuff a turkey for thanksgiving. The thought of touching a dead carcass made my stomach churn so I went to the living room and yelled for Dumbass to wake up. After several yells (the guy sleeps like a rock) he finally woke up. I asked... okay...maybe demanded that he deal with the turkey carcass.

Luckily, dinner was uneventful and Edmond, Lily, Dumbass and Veronica enjoyed the eats. We also exchanged stories from the previous night. Apparently, Lily dropped Edmond and Veronica off at her place because Veronica wanted to “walk.” Fortunately, they live in the same condo complex and Veronica basically has a straight walk to her condo. Lily left to grab some food and somehow, Edmond lost Veronica. He went back to Lily's house and noticed her car was gone so he called Veronica pissed off, assuming they went out again without him. Veronica responded, almost tearfully, that she was lost. Lily came home and Edmond pounded on her door. Lily was naked and about to hop in the tub but had to throw something on to shut Edmond up. After he informed Lily of Veronica's predicament they began looking for her. After 20 minutes Veronica finally found her way back home. The funny thing about this story is that she had different shoes on so she went home, changed her shoes and then proceeded to leave and got lost.

Edmond spent the better part of Thanksgiving morning throwing up. Dumbass and Lily felt amazing. Basically coin night is awesome but next time, we need a new plan....and that plan is called “pacing ourselves.”   Although....who am I kidding...pacing is not in this group's vocabulary!