Practicing To Be Dirty....

Disclaimer: I do everything big...if there is a theme it's to the max.  Again, I do not have a bunch of Star Trek named friends...names have been changed

My pre-dirty 30: September 2011

You only turn 29 once and being that 30 is considered dirty, it's only right to celebrate the pre-dirty thirty in style. I decided to head to California and have party favors that were “dirty” themed. Friday, September 2^nd, I worked at my job in Yuma. I was able to leave a few hours early as it was my birthday.

I arrived at my friend Sela's house and we got dressed in our party attire which consisted of black ripped t-shirts with various glittered letters that I made. Mine said “Training to be....Dirty.” The other t-shirts were for Vash, Sela and Keiko and said “Trainer.” Each person over 30 in our group also received “69” whistles. I also had shot glasses that said “Dirty” with September 2^nd 2011 written on them to be handed out to anyone that bought me a shot. In addition, I had gift bags with condoms, lubricant, mints, whips and other various “dirty” items.

Friday started out at a local watering hole called Players. I had three shots bought for me. Two by friends and one by a complete stranger wanting in on the birthday fun. I mean really, we are a pretty fun crew, so who wouldn't want in on the Mayhem?  My party crowd was Sela, Keiko, Seska and Spock. We decided to head over to another bar for a bit and met up with Vash, Majel, Worf, Lore and Worf's date. I'm sure I'm forgetting people but clearly, they are forgettable people. More shots were done and the share-shot was brought out. Vash takes half a shot and holds the other 1/2 shot in her mouth and passes the shot to me via my mouth. At this point in the evening I had consumed a ridiculous amount of alcohol in a very short period of time. I think the estimate was about 16 shots in 2.5 hours, half of which were creamy butter nipples (which we use for the share-shots) and that's never a good combination. I was on top of the world and we were taking crazy pictures, dancing dirty and basically talking all kinds of shit.

At this point in the evening I decided that we should head back to Players. Da da da...upon arrival I ran into Kurn. Awkward (I think you will learn about this awkward booty call clinger later in another blog). He hugged me and asked if I was having a good birthday. I vaguely remember telling him yes before turning back to my friends. At this point I felt the thin line that I was walking and as I felt it, Spock walked up with a cherry bomb. I told him I couldn't take it now and he and others started calling me a pussy. One thing about me is... you say I can't do something and I will do it. No matter the price. So...I took the shot. Waited 5 minutes and yep, went to the bathroom to blow chunks. I attempted to rally and did so like a champ for a solid 30 minutes. However, I had to throw up again and then decided that my luck of having an empty bathroom would eventually wear off so I asked Sela for her key so I could walk home.  Sela refused to let me leave alone (she is one of the few that knew I had been actively throwing up) so she quickly told Seska that we were leaving. Seska being one of the only sober patrons of the party and alerted by our swift departure offered to drive us home. Cool... get.to.toilet.sooner. I immediately ran into the house and parked it by the toilet. Threw up. Then laid in bed only to have my entire world spin. Ran to the bathroom. Threw up. Back to the bedroom to lay down. World spins again. Ran to bathroom. Threw up. I think we attempted this pattern 2 more times before drunk girl learned her lesson and took up residence in the bathroom for another hour. Seska assessed my needs before I could vocalize them but eventually had to leave the duty to Sela. Sela was not nearly as useful at anticipating what I needed but was very willing to help. Eventually, we went to bed where I slept for several hours before Keiko (fucking Keiko!!!!) pounded on the window. The second I opened my eyes...it was over and I had to run to the bathroom yet again. The next day was fairly miserable and I finally felt remotely human and puke free around 2PM. Moral of this story: if you're gonna be sick, it pays to have great friends.  

Saturday, Candy (yep, remember her?) drove to town and discovered she missed the big party, upon seeing my corpse like body walking out of the bathroom, watering eyes fresh from vomiting. Make-up smeared all over my face, I'm sure. I did pony up and went out that nights sans drinking. I decided to be the DD for all my friends. We found ourselves in a friend's bar called Rumors. I remember at some point, Spock and I saw the exact same spectacle. A sheim. You know where there is a person that you are unable to determine the whether it's a he or a she? The entire group got in on the debate and it was still undecided at the end of the night. I mean we may be assholes but none of us are that big of an asshole to ask the person. Personally, I think that individual had at one point in time been a man. The sheim conversation died down once we started a new one about sex with fat people. My friend Seska is a firm believer that everyone has to do it once. I'm not sure I agree but I offered up a story that my mom told me about one of her friends and how she said that nothing it better than sex with a fat man. The conversations continued along these lines, as they always do when I'm with my friends and eventually we headed to a new bar. The night ended uneventful, which was a good thing.

On Sunday, Candy, Sela, and I headed to a local biker bar to meet Vash and Majel for some football and drinks. When we arrived there was approximately 150 bikes in the parking lots. We considered not going but eventually said what the hell and walked up to the front door. People at the door told us they were holding a private event and we turned to leave. They asked us where we were going and personally invited us to the “private event.” The cover was $15/person, $20/couple. Somehow, because it was a sausage fest inside, we were able to negotiate the price to $20/us plus our friend Seska. We located a picnic table outside and met up with the other girls. Candy and I bought some raffle tickets and we sat and enjoyed the awesome live rock band. After the band they announced the raffle winners. Candy won an oil change for her (non-existent) bike. I won a bottle of Jack Daniels which I traded for a larger bottle of vodka. Fair trade in my book as I prefer clear liquid diets. Candy gave her gift to the lady running the raffle asking her to give it to someone that may be able to use it. The lady was so shocked by this that she bought us each a shot. Eventually the band came back and we all danced the day away. Finally, we went back to Sela's where Sela napped and Candy and I went to a local bar to eat some dinner. Eventually Sela and Keiko joined us for a bit and my birthday weekend ended nice and quiet.