Let the good times roll

Let the good times roll... rolling in 2012- NYE 2011/Bye-bye Zeke.

NYE was spent in Yuma, AZ. I was living with my friend Lily at the time and she was planning on spending NYE in L.A. So I made plans with my friend's Nancy and Lacy. One the evening before NYE. I went to Lacy's house and we went up to Fry's to buy various beers to taste test. We then headed to Lacy's to watch the UFC fights as I offered to pay since my favorite fighter was on the card. I had been talking to a guy named Zeke so I invited him to her house to watch with us.

Zeke arrived and we watched the fights. Lacy and Nancy went to bed after the fights and Zeke and I stayed up watching horror movies. I think he finally left around 3AM. I slept like shit and eventually woke up at 8AM. I ate breakfast with the girls and headed back to Lily's to get ready and nap.

I was unsuccessful with my napping and headed over to Lacy's around noon to pick up some supplies and head out to the river. By supplies I mean beer and bait. We were on our way with Lacy's dog Benji in tow. We spent 3.5 hours at the river listening to music, drinking beer and chatting. Benji ran around. Lacy managed to catch one fish before completely ignoring the pole for the rest of the afternoon and we headed back to town when the sun started to go down and the weather got a little cooler.

Again, I went to Lily's to nap and get ready but was unsuccessful as Lily was home and I had not seen her in 2 weeks. We caught up a bit and then we both got ready and both left. I arrived at Lacy's and we debated about even doing anything since we were all hungover from being drunk once in the day. I also received a message on my computer from Zeke wanting to know where we were going as his phone broke. We decided upon a local dive bar because we figured it'd be less busy. Nancy was still only 75% weight bearing following a reconstructive surgery to her knee and standing all night really wasn't an option nor wall to wall crowds. Luckily Pop-a-top was only moderately busy and we got a table easily. It was also karaoke night and it was bad karaoke which was entertaining. I also learned a new song about a old, wet, hot pussy......cat. Nice.

After a while Zeke showed up and was in rare form.....Drunk... and a ball of energy. He was also very talkative which was abnormal for him. Around 1AM, we decided to head home and offered Zeke and his friend a ride to their hotel. They agreed and thats where Nancy got awkward. Nancy knows that I am looking for an aggressive guy, I'm sick of guys that beat around the bush. On the ride home Zeke was complaining about his uncomfortable hotel mattress. So Nancy said “If you want to go home with someone, you should just ask.” This lead to a strange exchange between them and we eventually left (and Zeke was still at the hotel, for the record.) When I got home, I had a computer message waiting saying:

Zeke: “So that was a strange conversation I had with Nancy lol”

Me: “lol... yeah for whatever reason my friends tend to do shit like that.”

Zeke: “Lol and here I had my hopes up it was because you had told her you wanted me to come over...damn. Haha”

Me: I could go over the play by play but I'll go with no comment... that's the easier, quicker answer. You will never know.”

Zeke: “Oh that's just mean!!! Lol. You're lucky I can't drive or I'd come find you haha”

Me: “I'm sure your imagination is far better than what transpired... I spent a great deal of time avoiding playing country music. Lol. and are you threatening me now?”

Zach: “Hahaha. Maybe I am”

Me: “ha...that's okay it was an idle threat...”

Zach: “Only cause I can't drive lol”

Me: “okay so if/then statement.”

Zach: “Lol if I could, I'd come over and make your night more interesting haha”

Me: “okay... I think "drunk Zeke" already did. Lol...”

Zach: “Hahaha yeah I can be interesting”

This conversation was followed by boring talk before I went to bed at 3:30AM.

Ironically, Zeke deleted his facebook the next day. I also didn't hear from him for a solid 5 days before I decided to be the bigger person and sent him a message (via computer) that wished him luck over seas. He responded with “sorry, just got my phone fixed and deleted facebook due to drama.” I basically gave him the have a nice life line.  In the interim, I moved to Kingman, Arizona to start my new work assignment.  

I came back in town the weekend after I moved, visiting the girls. Saturday, Nancy, Lacy and I went to the gun show at the fairgrounds and then we went to a bar to watch the Lions play in the playoffs for the first time in 50 some years. They of course lost which lead to a very buzzed More Bling. After the game, we went to Mineshaft. While there Zeke started texting me saying “You should be in Yuma so we can hang out.” I told him that I was in town and told him he could meet us at the bar. He came. It was awkward. I was annoyed by his behavior and I eventually left early with Lily. I think he stayed with Veronica and Roxie. That was the last time I spoke to Zeke.

Apparently, he's been out with the girls a few times since I left. Nancy of course grilled him and he said that he never made any moves on me because we initially discussed being friends only. Since we never discussed a change in that he thought he couldn't put any moves on me. He also thought I was really cool and didn't want to go there since he doesn't think he is going to return from Afghanistan. He told her that he deleted his facebook because he has a bounty on his head for when he's in Afghanistan.

That excuse is fine and dandy except he reactivated facebook about 3 weeks later and still has it active while in Afghanistan. Hmmmm.... sorta defeats the point.  

Update:  Since I wrote this... Zeke was involved in some sort of attack overseas.  From what I can tell, he was badly burned on his hands/arms.  He was back in the states recovering prior to me deleting him as a friend on facebook.  Zeke was a pretty nice guy that had seen more than his fair share in his short life while being overseas... including having his best friend die in his arms.  Zeke was also partially deaf and qualified for hearing aids from being around explosions at close range.  All and all, he was a great guy but the timing was bad: I was moving and he was preparing to go overseas....  

Whoever invented strip clubs and coin night is a genius.

Coin Night? Yes please... November 23-24, 2011

Okay so I heard about this little thing called coin night while living in Yuma. Basically this little gem is at a strip club called Club Platinum where you pay a cover of $15 and every drink for 1.5 hours is a coin. My friend, Dumbass, was coming into town and I was spending my day off cooking for Thanksgiving (the next day). Veronica, Edmond, Lily, Dumbass and I had plans to leave at 7:30 so we could arrive at 7:45 so we'd be early for the 8:00 start time.

I started to get ready around 6:30 and Dumbass was still not there so I called him, only to find out that he was in Indio which is basically 2 hours away. I was pissed, Dumbass initially was going to leave at 8am his time which was pushed to noon. However, he didn't actually leave until 3pm and it was the day before Thanksgiving and got stuck in traffic. I told him that it might be best to turn around, left it up to him either way, I wasn't waiting for him. I gave him the name of the club and finished getting ready. Veronica, Lily and Edmond picked me up on time and off we went.  I cannot express the excitement that we all had... OH MY GOD...

We got lost trying to find the place but thanks to technology and the maps feature on the iphone we were able to locate our destination. We paid our cover and walked into the club at 7:50, still buzzing with excitement and anticipation.  We purchased a warm up drink (this was a horrible mistake, for the record) at the bar and found a table in the back corner. It was perfect for observing the entire room and getting our feet wet. We also had a side pole next to us. A waitress came over and asked us if we knew what we wanted to drink once coin night started. We told her that we were coin night virgins and she basically told us the rules. Two drinks per person were allowed at the table. Any drink, excluding shots and red bull, were a coin. Tip of course was separate.

At 8 PM coin night was underway. I was drinking vodka sours and initially we started to get two drinks delivered and we'd order two more. We would steadily sip one and down the second when the waitress was walking back to the table. We continued at this pace for 2 or 3 trips and decided we would just store some drinks on the floor for a bit.  Yeah, you heard that right...floor.  Apparently, we are paranoid drunkards.  

After 45 minutes or so, I got a text from Dumbass that he was almost there and I headed outside with Edmond for a cigarette and to meet Dumbass. As soon as I got outside a guy walked up to me talking shit about the Colts (my favorite NFL team). I looked up to see this guy, Adrian, that I met before. He continued to talk, only I didn't care what he was saying because I was pretty buzzed. His words sounded like the teacher on Charlie Brown wa-wa-wa. Dumbass met up with us and we headed back to our table. I slowed my drinking pace significantly cause I was only halfway through coin night when suddenly a waitress walked over and said someone bought me a wet pussy shot and I had to do it as a body shot. I asked if Adrian bought it and she answered affirmatively. I then refused the shot, thought about it and on second thought decided to take the shot. Oh well, right? At this point Adrian texted me.

Adrian: “Had to”

Me: “uh huh...I might start calling you A**** (his real name) if you keep it up. Lol..I didn't forget.

Adrian: “I hate that name.”

Me: “exactly! ;)” followed by “Annnnd if I'm doing a body shot...it could have been a hot chick. I like brunettes.”

Adrian: “I'll send another shot if u keep it up.” Followed with “aight you asked for it...”

Me: “Noooooo. Stop!!!!”

At this point, a stripper appears. Not to mention our favorite stripper that memorized our whole table only minutes earlier when she climbed the pole 25 feet in the air and landed in the splits on stage. AMAZING! She was a bootiful black woman and she had a shot between her boobs. Ahhhh...Adrian!

Me: “Okay...That was alright...She's got some moves on the pole.”

Adrian: “How was your shot?” followed by “??????”

Me: “That was the chick I made Edmond tip for me when she was on stage...” (I was too inebriated to traverse the obstacles to get out of the corner and head to stage.)

Adrian: “Lol. I still like you, you know? I want you to write me when I'm in Afghanistan if that is cool w/you.”

Me: “Give me an address. I write 2 strangers a week. I'll send you a letter or two.” and “Thanks for the shots yumanji.”

Adrian: “Lol...Ur so awesome! I'm srry I got kids....I kno u hate kids...I do want to keep in touch w/ you so bad. Where u at????”

As I got that text, a round of Vegas bombs showed up at the table. 6 of them. There were five of us and two were not drinking. The three of us got those shots down and at this point the night took a turn toward ridiculousness. Vanessa fell about three times. We decided that even though Dumbass and Lily weren't drinking didn't mean they couldn't have drinks in front of them (for us).  We decided chairs on wheels are not wise for any establishment that partakes in coin night. Coin night officially ended and we had about 20 drinks on the table and on the floor. My belt fell off me and somehow Edmond started wearing it. Veronica received her first lap dance (which was free). We threw money at the little pole by us when two girls got up there to dance and somehow they left our money so we got it back. Dumbass had to help Veronica stand and Edmond started yelling at him to “get off my girl.” Nobody knows where that came from. I was beyond drunk and raring to go to another local favorite Derailed when I look at my phone:

Adrian: “That's it I swear.”

Me: “I am at my table still and thanks again. Please keep that promise because we are leaving soon.”

Adrian: “noooooooooo say bye at least.” Then “We are going to Cocopah (a casino) where are you going beautiful???”

Me: “Derailed....possibly.”

Adrian: “I want to go w/ is that cool???”

Me: (still delusional on my drunkenness) “Sure....why not?”

Adrian: “Let me kno”

Me: “Okay...Edmond is hoarding drinks...May be a bit.”

Adrian: “lol...ohhh yea and by the way....Ur sexy. I'm just saying.”

Me: “Thanks”

Adrian: “your welcome beautiful.”

Edmond, Veronica and I proceeded to try (and keyword here is try) to finish the 12 or so drinks left. I think we spilled four and left three and finished the others.

Adrian: “Come take a shot with me.”

Me: “Ummmm...I think the last thing I need is a shot”

Adrian: “ok....Light weight.”

Then, suddenly a shot appeared. Which I adamantly refused. I was hammered. I mean completely shit housed. I attempted to send the shot back to Adrian but Edmond grabbed it and slammed it. We decided it was probably best to leave at this point so we gathered ourselves which mind you, takes a while when you as inebriated as we were at this point. Lily was going to take Edmond and Veronica home and Dumbass was taking me home.

Adrian: “I did not set this last one up. I swear”

Me: “Uh huh...I bet”

Adrian: “Are u ok???”

Me: “Yes...why??”

Adrian: “Cause I want you like yesterday.”.... after a long pause “U ok Kelly???”

Me: “Yes”

Again, I'm shit housed.

Adrian: “U want me to come over and charm???”

Me: “no, I'm trying to leave.”

Adrian: “where u going???”

Me: “Home...I'm fucked up”

Adrian: “ok. Night beautiful.”

Me: “Peace out homey.”

Adrian: “Peace out girl...next time me and you.”

Me: “huh.”

Adrian “Don't act, where u at sexy?”

Me: “home.”

Adrian: “I wish u was there...hand massage all day. Lol.”

Me: “Where...I know I'm drunk but you aren't making sense....and your hand massages suck.”

Adrian: “I'm sorry...I want you is that clear? Let me kno what is up beautiful.” then “I'm so sorry my hand massages suck??? Lol...I just want to make sure your ok? That's all that matters to me.” then “Night Kelly....You are gonna be my pen pal when I am deployed...I will write you and email u everyday!!!”

I decided I had to write something to shut him up so my response was...

Me: “I'm fine. Passing the fuck out.”

On the way home I got in an argument with Dumbass about wanting Taco Bell... He said no and I got pissed.  As soon as Dumbass pulled in my driveway, I jumped out of the car and ran to the bathroom. I was okay and surprisingly didn't vomit. I stumbled out of the bathroom and walked into the kitchen where Dumbass was. He looked at me and said “You have a dollar in your boobs.”... I looked down pulled the dollar out and said “no, I have two.” as I pulled the second dollar out.  I then discussed Taco Bell again and my irritation for him not getting me any.  He offered to go then and having won my argument (cause even drunk I'm obnoxious and always right) decided to walk back to the bedroom.................................................

The next morning, I woke up on the bathroom floor at 6am. Apparently, the room was spinning so I grabbed a pillow and blanket and passed out on the floor at 11:30PM (yes, folks we came home at 11:15). At 3am, I woke up and didn't have the energy to get myself off the floor so I went back to sleep. Around 6am, I finally crawled and I mean crawled to my bed. Finally, I woke up at 10 am and realized I had to stuff a turkey for thanksgiving. The thought of touching a dead carcass made my stomach churn so I went to the living room and yelled for Dumbass to wake up. After several yells (the guy sleeps like a rock) he finally woke up. I asked... okay...maybe demanded that he deal with the turkey carcass.

Luckily, dinner was uneventful and Edmond, Lily, Dumbass and Veronica enjoyed the eats. We also exchanged stories from the previous night. Apparently, Lily dropped Edmond and Veronica off at her place because Veronica wanted to “walk.” Fortunately, they live in the same condo complex and Veronica basically has a straight walk to her condo. Lily left to grab some food and somehow, Edmond lost Veronica. He went back to Lily's house and noticed her car was gone so he called Veronica pissed off, assuming they went out again without him. Veronica responded, almost tearfully, that she was lost. Lily came home and Edmond pounded on her door. Lily was naked and about to hop in the tub but had to throw something on to shut Edmond up. After he informed Lily of Veronica's predicament they began looking for her. After 20 minutes Veronica finally found her way back home. The funny thing about this story is that she had different shoes on so she went home, changed her shoes and then proceeded to leave and got lost.

Edmond spent the better part of Thanksgiving morning throwing up. Dumbass and Lily felt amazing. Basically coin night is awesome but next time, we need a new plan....and that plan is called “pacing ourselves.”   Although....who am I kidding...pacing is not in this group's vocabulary!

My own personal final destination weekend...

My Final Destination Day- February 4, 2011

Currently, living in Kingman AZ. It's basically a little town of 60,000 people South of Vegas. I decided that I have done a very bad job of sightseeing since I moved to AZ in July. So I mapped out numerous sights that I wanted to check out. I initially decided to go to Sedona for the first weekend but a couple days prior I noticed that Sedona was having a marathon that weekend and stated 2,000+ people would be in town for the marathon. Eh..NO THANK YOU (I generally hate large crowds because that means large numbers of stupid people in groups) and settled on Phoenix. I booked a room and was on my way after work on Friday. Friday was not eventful and I arrived at the hotel, had dinner in the restaurant and went to bed.

On Saturday, February 4^th. I woke up leisurely, ordered room service and got ready for the day. I headed downstairs and got my car from Valet and started on my way. Except, I left my phone in the room so I turned around and retrieved it. Take two. I proceed on the given route only to find the highway entrance I need is closed. I detour back passed my hotel (for the 3^rd time, mind you) and get to stop number one. Rawhide Western Town, which is a western mining themed town. I get there around 10:45 and it's of course closed. I walk around the deserted town but don't have time to wait till it opens at noon so I walk back to my car and continue on.

The next stop is the Mystery Castle. This place was awesome. It was built in the 1930's by Boyce Gulley. Gully moved from Seattle to Phoenix when he discovered he had TB in the early 1930's and started building the house for his daughter, Mary Lou whom he barely knew. In 1945, Gully died and his wife and daughter received notification from a lawyer. They moved to the house and had to stay for two years and at that point they could open a trap door which contained the deed, gold, two five hundred dollar bills, etc. The house is constructed of mortar, cement, goat's milk and calcium and Gulley was a fan of cheap building material like rejected bricks, bottles, microwave containers, etc. Gulley was also innovative by taking advantage of a wishing well to deliver drinks from the downstairs bar to the upstairs patio. He used glass tiles in the upstairs porch that worked like sconces in the bar below. He used placed the bedroom behind the main living room fireplace to use the heat. The kitchen had drains on the floor and sinks that collected water to be used by a hose. He built a guestroom around a cactus skull and used it as decoration. He even used the headlights and rims of his vehicle as window frames. Gulley had an obsession with snakes and cats, both are featured throughout the house. The house has 18 rooms (master bedroom, guestroom, bar, children's playroom, living room, kitchen, foyers, etc). The lower level consists of a foyer that has build in benches for short people and tall people. This room was called Purgatory. To the right was a chapel and to the left the bar. On the main level, Gulley built a children's playroom which was used for employees as Mary Lou was too old for a playroom by the time she moved there. The guestroom was constructed of train tracks and telephone poles as support beams for the ceiling. The castle is eccentric and now has electricity running to in (1992). Mary Lou opened the house for tours years ago and she passed away in 2010.

The next stop on the list was The Goldfield Ghost Town. This was a living ghost town that is a huge tourist trap. The buildings have been converted to stores and the offer train rides, food, baked goods, etc. I stayed a short time and headed to Tortilla Flats. Tortilla Flats is a Western Town which is small and so packed that I didn't even attempt to stop. Shortly after Tortilla Flats, the road AZ-88 which is a historic scenic byway turned to dirt. After several

miles it also turned into a one lane two-way traffic street. It contained multiple one-lane bridges which I encountered several incredibly stupid people that liked to block the road so that passing was difficult. The road had several rough patches as it went through the mountains. The majority of the drive was at 25 MPH and without cellphone service. The 38 miles took about 3 hours. The drive was gorgeous though.  If you've never been in an area without cell service..let me tell you it is liberating and peaceful.

I finally arrived to civilization and decided to head back to Rawhide Western Town before calling it a day. On the way to Rawhide, I was pulled over for speeding 65 in a 55. I saw it coming and pulled over before the cop could get behind me. He approached and said: “You need to be somewhere?”

Me: “No, not really.”

Cop: “Then what's your hurry.”

Me: “Well, honestly, I wasn't 100% what the speed limit was.”

Cop: “Why not, it's posted all over?

Me: “It changed a few different times.”

Cop: “You still residing in Michigan.”

Me: “Sorta..... I work in Kingman right now, but Michigan is my permanent home.”

Cop: “I'll tell you what, how about I give you a warning this time. Slow down, speed limit is 55.”

Me: “Thanks.”

So after that I was back on my way. Finally the road changed into a freeway and we were moving faster. At the change over from the 60 to I-10, traffic abruptly stopped. The car in front of me slammed on his brakes and I slammed on my brakes. In the rearwiew I saw the guy behind me coming at an incredible pace so I got over into another lane at the very last minute. Just in time for the guy behind me to slam into the guy in front of me. I wasn't hit at all which was shocking because I thought for sure I was getting hit some way, some how. I was halfway in another lane so I tried to move over to the shoulder but people were less than helpful so I just left. I got off the next exit to double check that Ron Jeremy (my pickup truck's name) was in one piece and then continued on. I decided to skip Rawhide Western Town.

On the way to the hotel, I passed Arizona Mills and decided it was fate to perform some retail therapy since I was thoroughly rattled from the near miss. I called Candy to process and verify that I didn't break the law by fleeing the scene of an accident which I didn't because I wasn't actually involved. As I talked to Candy, I wandered around the mall and purchased a few items at Victoria Secret. Eventually I was back out into the mall and noticed cop cars with lights on at one exit. Then, all the stores started shutting their gates. The girl at Lenscrafters told me and a couple other shoppers to get into the store. “This isn't a joke.” So I grudgingly entered the store where she immediately shut the gate. After 3 or 4 minutes she opened the gate and let us out. Other stores left their gates down. I was informed that the mall was closing at 7pm (in about 15 minutes). I also overheard it was a bomb threat called in, Twitter stated something about a man with a gun. Either way they were shutting the mall down and we had to evacuate. At this point I decided to head straight to my hotel... did not pass go... did not collect $200. I was hesitant to get on the elevator but all is good. I survived...thus far.

While in Phoenix my truck got really dirty with dust and whatnot so shortly after I got back to Kingman I got a car wash.  The following morning, I walked out to my car and noticed weird spots all down the side of my car.  I bought some tar remover and attempted that to no avail.  I finally resorted to taking it to a body shop... long story short it was battery acid and ate through every layer of paint to the base.  This coincidentally is why I no longer name my trucks after porn stars... Ron Jeremy trying to get a free chemical peel that cost me a fortune.  I am not 100% sure where it came from but am suspicious of the accident that happened right next to me.  hmmmm.... 

Grumpy, Sleepy, Happy and Crabass?

Once again, names have been changed.. although the dwarf nicknames were used in real life.

The UK seven dwarfs

It was a usual night in Yuma and Veronica, Lily and I went to our favorite bar Mine Shaft. We took our usual spot outside, right in front of the giant fire pit and didn't hesitate to order our first drink and shots of course. I being the single girl was on the prowl and I thought living in a marine town would help my situation but apparently the shortest marines are sent to Yuma. I kid you not, almost every marine was shorter than me and I'd literally be shocked to see a guy that was 3-4 inches taller than me when I went out to the bar. I later found out there was a reason for this. The base in Yuma is a flying base and they fly C-130's which apparently have a height restriction. The non-marines are short because they are hispanic. It worked for me professionally because I was taller than 90% of my patients.

Anyway, this girl on the prowl proceeded to do a lap around the bar scoping out my options. Again, all the prospects were short, unattractive or young. I solemnly returned to my seat with my girlfriends. After 10 minutes we sent Veronica out looking and gave her the simple instructions of “find someone that you think I'll like.” Veronica wondered off and we saw her talking to a few guys at the bar. After 5 minutes she was heading back to the table with harem of guys as they approached the table we noticed various british accents. Apparently, Veronica found British Air Force and British Army guys that were in Yuma for training. They were all pretty cool guys.

As the night progressed, nicknames were given. Dan, whom liked to argue with Veronica was nicknamed “Grumpy.” Tim, the young, happy fellow was nicknamed “happy.” Don was yawning and quiet throughout the first evening that we nicknamed him “sleepy.” The other Don was a snarky cocky little shit so I started calling him “Crab Ass.” None of the British boys knew what crab ass meant so I explained and Crab Ass called me a “Blue Waffle.” I googled this term and was appalled (trust me do not google image search this...SAVE YOURSELF the horror). I in turn called him a “Blumpkin Pie.” Eventually, someone changed subject to prevent the one upping from continuing. We also met a older, married British solider that hit on any women within sight which we immediately nicknamed “Old Dirty Bastard.” The rest of the group consisted of “Benjamin Franklin”, Matt and one other guy (whom returned to the UK after a femur fracture following a car accident the night we met him).

One of the British Army guys turned out to be a Prince of Fiji (although they don't have princes..it was explained that he was similar in terms of fame). Coincidentally, Lily and I were just discussing my desire for a bungalow in Fiji a few nights prior. My interest was of course to work on getting my own bungalow in Fiji and I wasn't subtle about my hopes and desires. As we hung out more, I think I can safely say I'm closer to my bungalow but not close enough. Fiji found me entertaining because I basically talk a lot of shit and picked on him frequently. Fiji had the funniest devilish grin that he would display on occasion. At a later time, I found out that Fiji's job in the British Army was to interrogate the enemy. He said he was able to read me and I asked him what he thought:

Fiji: “you like to tease guys.”

Me: “well, clearly that's true.”

Fiji: “you are very competitive with boys.”

Me: “Hey, why does everything revolve around guys? I'm competitive with all people.”

Fiji: “Guys find you very attractive.”

Me: “Huh... do they?”

Later in the evening we were making fun of Crab Ass because he missed the bar night to spend time with his American sweetheart of 6 weeks (coincidently she is the front desk girl of the hotel they are staying at). He also spent over $200 for flowers for his american sweetheart and her mother on Thanksgiving, which I thought was a total waste of money. I mean, who really likes flowers? Chocolate...chocolate is the key to a girl's heart. After this conversation Fiji told me that I didn't know romance and was dating the wrong guys. He offered to build me a flowerbed. I told him that wasn't practical given the amount of time I spend in one place. His response was to hook up a internet camera. Hopefully, this said flowerbed is outside my bungalow in Fiji.

This first night was legendary for another reason. This is also the first night I've seen anyone go into the heated pool at Mine Shaft. Benjamin Franklin and “the other guy” were the two legendary men to strip down to their tighty whities (or pinkies and stripies, in this case) and jump in the pool. It was pretty awesome and highly entertaining (plus their bodies weren't too shabby). As the evening progressed, we noticed several girls slowly surrounding our group of UK boys. Although the boys were oblivious or just didn't care. As the girls inched closer and closer only to be ignored, they soon grew bored and dissipated.

On another occasion, the girls and I went out to coin night (think one coin gets you a drink for 1.5 hours) which is basically the coolest night out drinking in Yuma, or possibly anywhere. Grumpy had been texted me and I encouraged him to come out with us. Grumpy and Sleepy eventually came out to Club Platinum just after coin night ended and I had gotten to the shit faced stage. As soon as Grumpy and Sleepy got there, I immediately hugged Grumpy and jumped on Sleepy's lap. I took up residence there for about 30 minutes. I don't really remember the exact conversation we had but I do remember Kat getting sick. Veronica was offering up her fingers to stick down Kat's throat and once the dry heaves set in, Veronica came in to tell me that they were leaving. I said good-bye to the boys and Grumpy went in to kiss me. Awkward. I pulled back and went outside. However, Kat's truck only sits three people and considering Veronica wasn't completely sober, I decided to stay and call a cab. Meanwhile, Grumpy texted apologizing about the kiss attempt. I sat between Grumpy and Sleepy when I went back inside and Grumpy kept rubbing my leg. When it was Grumpy's turn to buy beers, I turned to Sleepy and told him what was going on. Sleepy's response was “yeah, he likes you.”

Me: “no, he likes Veronica.”

Sleepy: Well, he likes you now.”

Me: “no, no, no. He likes Veronica, not me.”....Keep in mind a.) I'm drunk and b.) oblivious to guys hitting on me and c.) I liked Sleepy.

At this point Grumpy walks back up to the table and tries to touch me again and I call him out.

Me: “ what are you doing? I thought you liked Veronica?”

Grumpy: “No, she turned out to be bossy and bitchy.”

Me: “Well, I don't do sloppy seconds. I like guys that like me first, not my friends.”

That seemed to do the trick. Grumpy would still text me while he was in town but didn't hit on me.

The next and last time we met up with the UK boys was the day before their scheduled departure. Lily and I were the only girls in town and Grumpy, Sleepy and Fiji came out to meet us. We basically were shooting the shit when I mentioned something about driving. Sleepy asked “In that big truck of yours?” I was a bit surprised and asked him how he knew what I drove. He told me at Club Platinum I showed him pictures... Oh yes, it came back. While I sat on his lap, I became that girl showing him my pictures on my phone of my truck, horses, friends... Oh boy... That's humiliating...At least he didn't judge. In hindsight their nicknames didn't hold true but they embraced them and I will miss these guys. They were true gentlemen, which I never knew existed.

The day they left I received a text from an unknown number while I was driving to Vegas:

Text: “Thanx girl for bein a gud friend. Hope to see in again in March. Shalom. Fiji.

Me: “Awwww Fiji, you rock. I'm going to miss you guys! Keep that devilish grin!!!”

Fiji: “We will miss u girls too. Take care of urselves. I will certainly miss u girl!”

Me: “Have a safe flight mister!”

A few days later, I received this message from Sleepy on Facebook:

“ah MORE BLING, who's gonna look after us when we go out now?! We will have to reciprocate if u make it across to England! Thanks for making our nights fun and entertaining...especially Platinums! Wicked place! Shame we had to leave u! Be good. Hope Vegas was awesome. Say hi to everyone.

Love Sleepy...aka Don! X

P.S. Steelers rule! Lol”  (I HATE THE STEELERS...so he's an asshole for this)

I miss my UK boys... oh so very much. They were such a bright spot in my world and really genuine people! Much love UK.  

  

Practicing To Be Dirty....

Disclaimer: I do everything big...if there is a theme it's to the max.  Again, I do not have a bunch of Star Trek named friends...names have been changed

My pre-dirty 30: September 2011

You only turn 29 once and being that 30 is considered dirty, it's only right to celebrate the pre-dirty thirty in style. I decided to head to California and have party favors that were “dirty” themed. Friday, September 2^nd, I worked at my job in Yuma. I was able to leave a few hours early as it was my birthday.

I arrived at my friend Sela's house and we got dressed in our party attire which consisted of black ripped t-shirts with various glittered letters that I made. Mine said “Training to be....Dirty.” The other t-shirts were for Vash, Sela and Keiko and said “Trainer.” Each person over 30 in our group also received “69” whistles. I also had shot glasses that said “Dirty” with September 2^nd 2011 written on them to be handed out to anyone that bought me a shot. In addition, I had gift bags with condoms, lubricant, mints, whips and other various “dirty” items.

Friday started out at a local watering hole called Players. I had three shots bought for me. Two by friends and one by a complete stranger wanting in on the birthday fun. I mean really, we are a pretty fun crew, so who wouldn't want in on the Mayhem?  My party crowd was Sela, Keiko, Seska and Spock. We decided to head over to another bar for a bit and met up with Vash, Majel, Worf, Lore and Worf's date. I'm sure I'm forgetting people but clearly, they are forgettable people. More shots were done and the share-shot was brought out. Vash takes half a shot and holds the other 1/2 shot in her mouth and passes the shot to me via my mouth. At this point in the evening I had consumed a ridiculous amount of alcohol in a very short period of time. I think the estimate was about 16 shots in 2.5 hours, half of which were creamy butter nipples (which we use for the share-shots) and that's never a good combination. I was on top of the world and we were taking crazy pictures, dancing dirty and basically talking all kinds of shit.

At this point in the evening I decided that we should head back to Players. Da da da...upon arrival I ran into Kurn. Awkward (I think you will learn about this awkward booty call clinger later in another blog). He hugged me and asked if I was having a good birthday. I vaguely remember telling him yes before turning back to my friends. At this point I felt the thin line that I was walking and as I felt it, Spock walked up with a cherry bomb. I told him I couldn't take it now and he and others started calling me a pussy. One thing about me is... you say I can't do something and I will do it. No matter the price. So...I took the shot. Waited 5 minutes and yep, went to the bathroom to blow chunks. I attempted to rally and did so like a champ for a solid 30 minutes. However, I had to throw up again and then decided that my luck of having an empty bathroom would eventually wear off so I asked Sela for her key so I could walk home.  Sela refused to let me leave alone (she is one of the few that knew I had been actively throwing up) so she quickly told Seska that we were leaving. Seska being one of the only sober patrons of the party and alerted by our swift departure offered to drive us home. Cool... get.to.toilet.sooner. I immediately ran into the house and parked it by the toilet. Threw up. Then laid in bed only to have my entire world spin. Ran to the bathroom. Threw up. Back to the bedroom to lay down. World spins again. Ran to bathroom. Threw up. I think we attempted this pattern 2 more times before drunk girl learned her lesson and took up residence in the bathroom for another hour. Seska assessed my needs before I could vocalize them but eventually had to leave the duty to Sela. Sela was not nearly as useful at anticipating what I needed but was very willing to help. Eventually, we went to bed where I slept for several hours before Keiko (fucking Keiko!!!!) pounded on the window. The second I opened my eyes...it was over and I had to run to the bathroom yet again. The next day was fairly miserable and I finally felt remotely human and puke free around 2PM. Moral of this story: if you're gonna be sick, it pays to have great friends.  

Saturday, Candy (yep, remember her?) drove to town and discovered she missed the big party, upon seeing my corpse like body walking out of the bathroom, watering eyes fresh from vomiting. Make-up smeared all over my face, I'm sure. I did pony up and went out that nights sans drinking. I decided to be the DD for all my friends. We found ourselves in a friend's bar called Rumors. I remember at some point, Spock and I saw the exact same spectacle. A sheim. You know where there is a person that you are unable to determine the whether it's a he or a she? The entire group got in on the debate and it was still undecided at the end of the night. I mean we may be assholes but none of us are that big of an asshole to ask the person. Personally, I think that individual had at one point in time been a man. The sheim conversation died down once we started a new one about sex with fat people. My friend Seska is a firm believer that everyone has to do it once. I'm not sure I agree but I offered up a story that my mom told me about one of her friends and how she said that nothing it better than sex with a fat man. The conversations continued along these lines, as they always do when I'm with my friends and eventually we headed to a new bar. The night ended uneventful, which was a good thing.

On Sunday, Candy, Sela, and I headed to a local biker bar to meet Vash and Majel for some football and drinks. When we arrived there was approximately 150 bikes in the parking lots. We considered not going but eventually said what the hell and walked up to the front door. People at the door told us they were holding a private event and we turned to leave. They asked us where we were going and personally invited us to the “private event.” The cover was $15/person, $20/couple. Somehow, because it was a sausage fest inside, we were able to negotiate the price to $20/us plus our friend Seska. We located a picnic table outside and met up with the other girls. Candy and I bought some raffle tickets and we sat and enjoyed the awesome live rock band. After the band they announced the raffle winners. Candy won an oil change for her (non-existent) bike. I won a bottle of Jack Daniels which I traded for a larger bottle of vodka. Fair trade in my book as I prefer clear liquid diets. Candy gave her gift to the lady running the raffle asking her to give it to someone that may be able to use it. The lady was so shocked by this that she bought us each a shot. Eventually the band came back and we all danced the day away. Finally, we went back to Sela's where Sela napped and Candy and I went to a local bar to eat some dinner. Eventually Sela and Keiko joined us for a bit and my birthday weekend ended nice and quiet.  

My First Grown Up Party- A Black Tie Affair

Disclaimer:  I don't run around with a bunch of people conveniently named common stripper names...they have been changed to prevent any embarrassment.

My first grown up party: (December 2009)

I was living in Muskogee, Oklahoma when my friends Roxanne and Ron invited me to my first grown up party. Black tie to all those that don’t know what I mean. My best friend Candy and I committed to going and I booked my flight from Michigan (as my contract was going to end and I’d move home prior to the party). Black tie party of course means shopping for an acceptable ball gown.

I took a weekend and drove to Edmond, OK to shop with my friend Anastasia. I spent an entire day trying on dresses. Some made me look like a squished sausage, others like I was in a garbage sack. I finally settled on a pretty simple black number with blinged out straps that crossed in the back. I wasn’t thrilled but the dress was acceptable and the most flattering of the day.  Since you likely don't know me, I'll just say that it was pretty conservative for me.

Moving day came and went. I was back in Michigan at a bar doing some shots as the Colts were playing in the post season and it was tradition. During the commercials I was bitching about the dress I bought when my friend Electra suggested we go to the shop in town. It’s Sunday and we arrived 20 minutes to closing which meant we had to get busy. I tried about 15 dresses on in 20 minutes. It was efficient and probably hilarious to an onlooker. It went something like this: I’d unzip the bag the next dress was in, unzip the dress and step in. Electra whom was in the dressing room with me would zip me up. If it fit we would discuss whether is looked halfway decent. She’d unzip me and take the dress and hand it to the lady outside whom would hang it back up. Four dresses had potential but only one required zero alterations and considering the party was in 6 days, we settled on a floor length, strapless red number with a large amount of bling in the bodice area. Done. I just prayed it would still look good when I was sober the next day. FINGERS CROSSED.  For the record, I was pleasantly surprised that my beer goggles were not deceptive

Fast forward to Vegas. Candy and I arrived on Wednesday as the NFR was in town. The first day we immediately started shopping at cowboy christmas. Basically, this is a dream come true if you like anything cowboy related or sparkly. The next day was the same. Evenings were spent at the bars in Vegas. I go to Vegas a lot so bar nights are usually uneventful and very little surprises me so these nights are hardly worth mentioning. On Friday, we woke up burned out from the last couple days packed full of shopping so I suggested hopping on the monorail at the MGM (our hotel) and take it to the last stop and walking back. NOTE: this is a bad idea in hindsight. The Sahara is the last stop and the walk to the Wynn which is the next casino is very long, boring and uneventful. Fortunately, Candy and I can make anything pretty fun so we laughed at how retarded we were and eventually saw signs for Garth Brooks.

Garth Brooks had been on a hiatus for years and this was his first time returning to concert. We decided tickets would most likely be outrageous, considering it was later that night but thought we might as well enquire. I mean, hell you can't hit a home run, if you don't step up to the plate.  As soon as I walked up to the ticket counter:

Lady: “We don’t have tickets with seats together.”

Me: “Do you have any close to each other?”

Lady: “Let me check.”

A few minutes goes by......

Lady: “Wow...it’s your lucky day! They must of just released some tickets.”

We assume this means there are two tickets together somewhere in the back. Nope 8th row, left orchestra on the aisle. Holy shit. We enquiry about price. $150 plus some fees. Are you kidding me? Candy and I still recovering from nearly shitting our pants right there in line but quickly regain composure enough to purchase the said tickets. We immediately haul ass back to the hotel to prepare for the evening. This night was also the night we discovered Diego’s which is maybe the best mexican food that I have ever had in my mouth. Followed by maybe the most intimate concert with one of the biggest musicians of my time. Steve Wynn was sitting across the aisle 4 seats in and one row behind us. I mean these seats were amazing and well Garth didn’t disappoint. We actually walked back to the MGM and went to bed because we didn’t want anything to ruin the night we had just experienced. Words can’t describe it.

The next day was the big party. We woke up, walked around Vegas and slowly started to get ready. I never thought I could feel awkward in Vegas but that particular night I did. From the moment we opened the door to our room and entered the hall some guy started singing “Lady in Red” to me. People stared, gawked, and commented about our attire throughout the casino and lobby. Someone insinuated that we were call girls and told us to have a good night. Roxanne and Ron provided transportation which picked us up promptly and we were on our way.

The party was gorgeous. We were immediately met with red carpet. Drinks were flowing and I didn’t hesitate there. There was a DJ and a glass dance floor over the pool. Ah, the DJ... He gave me the creeps because I felt like he was watching me. I’d turn around and he’d be looking. At one point I was dancing and felt something wasn’t quite right so I turned around to find the DJ, away from his booth, right behind me. He asked my name and where I was from. At another point he played Cotton Eyed Joe and tried to get me to line dance. Luckily for me, my friend Jasmine didn’t need convincing so she went out with him. Then I went outside and the DJ appeared and started talking more and asked for my name. Meanwhile, shit was going down inside.

At least ten minutes went by since anyone had seen Candy and I noticed a line by the bathroom that hadn’t moved in several minutes. I proceeded to the door and knocked “Candy?”...

Candy: (mumbled) “.....yeah”

Me: “are you okay?”

Candy: (mumbled) “....yeah”

Me: “Will you unlock the door?”

Candy: (mumbled) “....yeah”

I hear no movement and wait a few minutes.

Me: (knocking again) “CANDY!”

Candy: (mumbled) “....yeah”

Me: “Will you please unlock the door then?”

Candy: (mumbled) “....yeah”

Me: “You didn’t unlock it.”

Finally there is movement and the door was unlocked, however, I couldn’t get it opened because there was an obstacle in the way. I push the door as far as I can and peek in to find my friend in her formal gown sprawled on the bathroom floor napping.

I don’t do well with anyone that looks like they could vomit so I grab a friend and tell her to get her husband. Our friend Rio goes in the bathroom with Candy and encourages her to throw up. After several minutes, Rio and another guy carry Candy to a couch and we hook her up with a garbage bag. See, all week Candy contemplated what she was going to drink, stating her usual beer wasn’t classy enough for a formal gown. Mind you, two or three Bud Light’s gets her pretty buzzed. Given her dilemma, she opted for a margarita to start the night. Followed by a couple sour apple martini’s and a shot or two.  

Unfortunately, I had to leave her so I could get back to the hotel and catch my 6 AM flight (Candy was driving home). I left her a message to call me when she woke up. Roxanne and Ron took good care of her and got her a taxi back to the strip. Moral of the story....NEVER think you are too classy for beer. Candy survived but her ego suffered a bit and sour apple martinis (so SAMS as we lovingly refer to them) will forever have a reputation in our group.  Vegas-1, Candy-0

Side-note: by the time I got to the airport at 5 am. I already had a Facebook friend request and a message from the DJ whom later turned out to be separated with his wife and magically reconciled. Just one of the many winners I have met over the years...   

My insanely beautiful life

Okay, I'll simply start with what most people think: I am insane.  Not mental disorder, certifiably insane but my brain simply works differently.  I don't believe in secrets so I have conversations that most people would never consider having because of societal norms and what is considered "taboo."  I live my life from one simple concept and that is to leave this world without a single "what if" moment.

I've been single for over 12 years.  Yes, I've dated here and there but in the end, I was meant to be a loner for this period in my life.  I have had the opportunity to self discover who I am and what I want out of life.  I am still not done, I'm not sure that we can ever be done since we are all constantly evolving.  I, quite frankly, like the person I look at in the mirror every morning and so being single and spending time alone is pretty bearable.. if not incredible enjoyable.   Sure, I have my flaws but I believe that our flaws are what make us unique and are the reason that we truly love one another.  It's easy to love the good qualities but if can take the bad with the good than that is something entirely different.  I have yet found that certain person that loves my flaws and understands the way my mind works.  At this point, I don't even know if I believe in marriage, monogamy, etc... I mean, I think I at least believe in monogamy, however, the lack of commitment on my part to a boyfriend, job, city, etc in the last several years makes me question my beliefs on a subconscious level.

My last decade was spent traveling.  I started following the PBR circuit while in college and decided to see the country by meeting up with long distance friends at events.  I had some crazy experiences and partied my ass off at most of these events.  After college, I decided to take a traveling job so I spent the next 5 years living in 7 different states and moving every 3-9 months.  Now, that was the life and I plan to return back next winter.  I guess you could say, I'm not the type of person to stay put...I have a healthy appetite to learn, experience and see everything that I can.  Last winter, I had a friend that moved to Australia for a year and we stayed in touch.  She was planning a tour of New Zealand and SE Asia so I said "fuck it" and joined her.  We spent three months touring New Zealand via camper van and then Singapore, Indonesia, Vietnam, Laos and Thailand.  It was a whirlwind of ups and downs but an experience that I will never forget.

I tend to "smell the roses" so to speak.  I love to drive off the beaten path and go 40 miles out of my way to see the world's largest coffee pot.  The reason you ask?  Because I don't want to think "what if that was really cool?"  I've seen the largest polar bear, the largest emperor penguin, a graveyard in a traffic circle, the largest thermometer, dark angels, the magic capital of the world, a tree growing from a rock, the Abe Lincoln memorial, Wild Bill's store, the list goes on and on....  Anything that promises sparkly things, taxidermy or creepy factor immediately interests me.  I like dark and twisted beauty.  I love to learn and love history but I only like non-conventional museums like the Sex Museum, Museum of Death and Mob Museum...all of which I've been to at least once.

Laughing is my medicine.  Growing up, I was raised in a dysfunctional family that did not express emotions.  We used humor to deal with our problems and that has carried over into my adulthood.  I keep a journal of all my funny stories, memories and thoughts that I will likely start to post here.  Any situation can be made funny, it's just dependent on your sense of humor and luckily, I find humor in most things..... Follow me, or don't... Whatever tickles your fancy.