Is love meant for everyone?

Is love for everyone?

This is going to sound a bit Sex and the City-ish but it's a topic that's been on my mind for quite sometime. I pose the question is love for everyone? Do we all need love? Is there really someone for everyone?

Johnny Cash once was asked to describe is vision of paradise and he answered it simple “this morning, having coffee, with her.”- Seems simple enough... Sounds like love to me, but is it? I feel like I am not even 100% sure what love is. Are there different types of love? Do we love at different capacities?

I am someone that is comfortable being single. I've literally been single for 13 years Sure, I've dated here and there but have yet to find someone that I want to be committed to for the long haul. I was late to the game, I didn't lose my virginity until I was 26 the story behind this is a long one but the short version is: I was lucky to date respectful boys in my formative years that didn't pressure me or trick me with promises of love. That and I was afraid of pregnancy and disease (I was always a thinker). I fell hard when I was 15 for a guy that when I first laid eyes on, knew he would be trouble. He didn't feel the connection and I settled for being his best friend for four years before he finally opened his eyes. We dated other people in the four year period. The relationship with my best friend turned boyfriend was pure and innocent and stayed that way because it ended before it all began. We were both scared about our intense feelings and broke up. We tried to remain friends and it was successful for a short period of time. He failed to mention he was dating someone else and I walked in on him kissing her goodbye which was painful to realize not only was our romance over but our friendship had changed because of it.

Moving on, I went to college. High school for me was a shitshow and I partied my ass off so once I hit college, I took it seriously. I went to class and worked between 35-40 hours a week which left me time to do homework and sleep and repeat. Guys were far from my mind and when I did decide to socialize it was spent catching up with my friends. As I started working toward my masters degree, I found my calling and classes were a breeze so I started going out again. I discovered bull riding events and traveling. The latter became a new love of my life and I spent my free time flying to various cities to meet up with friends from around the country, watching bull riding, pulling all nighters and being disgusted with the so-called Christian ways of bull riders. I was still a virgin and knew that there was no way in hell I'd touch any of these guys with a ten foot pole.

After I graduated with my masters, I found this cool job that sent me to new cities, states, etc every 3 months (or longer, if I extended). This sent me to my first job as a therapist in a tiny town called Chillicothe, population 12,000 people. It was an interesting experience and I met some pretty fantastic people. They taught me things and I taught them things. The 4.5 month experience was capped off by me losing my virginity to some guy I randomly picked and didn't like. He was an arrogant younger guy that I knew I could never possibly fall for and that was exactly what I wanted for this occasion. I mean at 26, I had waited long enough. I didn't need special, I never intended to wait for that, I wanted it over. My chosen one was physically attractive to me on a raw primal level. The experience wasn't pleasant, it was not romantic and it really wasn't comfortable as it was on a couch in a travel trailer but it was over. He had a hard time wrapping his head around the fact that he was used for sex, despite my constant assurance. This made him mildly crazy, parading girls in front of me at places he knew I'd be, which didn't even arouse a single feeling of jealousy from me.

There would be two years between my first sexual encounter till my next one. It was yet again a younger guy. I wanted sex and only was attracted physically to him. We carried on a booty call relationship until it turned and he started acting more boyfriend like than booty call so I abruptly ended it. He was actually a nice guy and I didn't want to fuck with his emotions. My sexual encounters have all been more of the same.

The problem is, I am attracted to something most people don't realize and it's deeper than physical or emotional attraction. It's energy. I am sensitive to what people put out there and very few guy's have energy that are completely enticing to me. My first and only love was my first encounter with it, although at the time, I didn't understand it. When I feel this type of attraction it's almost too overwhelming. I get butterflies, feel like I'm rendered to a 15 year old girl and can barely manage to communicate. Sometimes, when it's an even deeper connection then I am cool, calm and collected (this also depends on the amount of alcohol I've consumed). These connections are so far and few between and obviously none of the guys resemble each other physically (which is nice because I don't really have a type-although my best friend does describe most of them as “goofy” looking.)

Anyway, over the years, I have tried dating. The problem is that I am a direct, brutally honest communicator so a) the modern form of technology does not do me any favors: via text direct, honest communication comes off as bitchy. b.) I scare people because I don't like to play the game and would just rather tell someone how I feel. See, I am not afraid of rejection but I am afraid of wasting my time on someone that isn't right for me or is playing games. See by definition, games means a competition and I'm competitive, if I play the game, my only objective is to win the said game and once I win I inevitably lose interest. This never ends well for the guy and I look like an asshole because feelings get involved. Games involving feelings are not fun and always end badly for someone. I'd rather just say “Hey, I like what I know about you and want to know more.” Honest, no guessing games but with society so stuck on “games” this type of interaction has backfired. My friend all shake their heads at me and tell me that I have to play the game... no participate in the “chase” which is supposedly different than the “game”.

SIDENOTE: I know a lot of guys that bitch about getting friend-zoned. Did you ever think that this is because you played the “game” too long? I know I personally don't like blurred lines. All guys have a limited time to make a move or they are forever filed into my “friend” box. It's not that I expect a guy to make the first move but I have a basic assumption and that is everyone wants to be my friend. I still find it weird when men are attracted to me... I know I am a fairly good looking girl but I just find the laws of attraction weird. I find it weird when I'm attracted to someone. I can't really explain it. My basic hypothesis is that everyone wants to be my friend because I like people and love friends. I guess I'd rather be friends with someone cool then loose them. Plus, I'm completely dense and almost never pick up on a guy hitting on me until it's too late or completely blatant. Subtlety is not my forte. Back to the point, did you ever think that maybe by putting yourself out there sooner, it may have stopped you from being filed as a “friend”? Plus, who the fuck wants to be friends with someone that you were originally physically attracted to?? I learned this lesson last year when I got friend-zoned by a guy that I was romantically interested in and I ended that “friendship”... yikes, that would have been weird. So you come clean and she isn't into you...what's the worst thing you've lost? A friend that you secretly wanted to date but instead get to watch other guys date her instead. 90% of girls will not open their eyes and magically decide they mis-filed you into the “friend-zone”, nope you will never get her and will never move on because she is still around.

So my second approach to dating was to be more mysterious and participate in the “chase”... this makes me slowly see my sanity slip away because now I have to question everything the other person says because while participating in this, I obviously agreed to decipher a secret code that I don't and will never understand. I'd call my best male friend Steve to talk strategy. Until one day after several horrible dates lacking all chemistry, I woke up and decided that I was wearing some sort of mask and pretending to be someone I wasn't. You see, I am not patient enough for the “game” or the “chase”. I'd rather be vulnerable, open and honest and if a guy can't live with that then they most certainly cannot live with me. I have no filter when I am comfortable with people. I say whatever I'm thinking. Again, I'm not afraid of rejection and would much rather be rejected for who I am than accepted for what I'm not. Happiness to me is not holding back, waiting to reveal certain layer of who I am. So I gave up on dating. I continued moving around the country to seven states in five years time. I made great connections with amazing people that all accept me for me. My heart is full of love but not “romantic love”. So again... I re-assess my life and ask people what image they have of me.

The results were pretty consistent. Most guys I asked said “You are intimidating.” I also got that I'm too strong and very few guys could deal with that. I am intimidating? Really, I am also told, I'm incredibly easy to talk to so that doesn't really jive together. I guess I'm intimidating because I have self confidence, like myself, carry myself with pride, don't scan the room for available men and don't throw myself around like I spread my legs for anything with a dick. I mean, honestly, that's insulting. I understand the strong comment. I am not overly emotional, I am not needy and shy of me telling a guy that I like them, I am hard to read when I'm interested. I don't believe in asking people direct questions to get to know them. I like to ask off the wall questions that actually reveal a lot more about a person without them thinking twice about them. The truth is, I'm highly intuitive and I can learn more from observing someone then speaking with someone. My reasoning for avoiding direct questions is because this is usually when someone is going to lie to you. It's not always true but it's an accurate generalization. Sometimes the reasoning for the lie is that they aren't ready to tell you, they don't want to admit the truth to themselves or they are just liars and incapable of being vulnerable. I find asking open ended fun questions tells you things direct questions could never indicate and most people don't think to lie about their answers because they don't realize just how much someone like me can learn about them. Another reason is I also like organic, flowing conversation where one person offers up something and the other person shares something personal. It's natural and if you can't have a conversation that flows then what's the point?

Rounding this rant back to the point, I sometimes wonder... is there even someone out there for me? Can someone be vulnerable enough and open enough to accept me for who I am? Why does expressing my feelings mean I'm crazy? What is so fucked up about society that we resort to playing games where people get hurt... hell scared for life?

The benefit of having open communication and knowing that feelings change is a great hypothesis for dating. Just because someone initially liked you doesn't mean they always will, I mean the early stage is meant to learn about the other person. I'm someone that would rather have someone tell me that they are now rejecting me after initially accepting me for whatever reason. The truth is, we all find people that we initially click with but then we change our minds then that's okay. People are complex and we have many layers and we all have dealbreakers. Why does this rejection send people spinning out of control? We are not all meant to get along or spend all of eternity together. One of the points of dating is to find the flaws within people and decide whether we like them more for them because it makes them uniquely human or if they are deal breakers and it's time to fold and move on to the next one.

To further complicate this issue and bring forward my real issues and curiosity to this topic of are we all capable of loving, I present this. Starting in college and continuing to the present day I have experienced the rockiest 10 year span of my life. My parents divorced after 28 years of marriage and I severed communication from my mother because she essentially chose an employee over me, which later burned her. She called offering an apology for being wrong since I was right about this said employee...completely misunderstanding the entire reason that I was mad at her in the first place. This basically explains a lot of my childhood with a mother that was egocentric. She wasn't always that way but something changed in 1996 that is neither here nor there and beyond the point of this topic. Within this 10 year period, I watched my dad go from an alcohol abuser to functioning alcoholic is full blown alcoholic forcing me into a mother-son role with him because it's been essentially him and I over the years. An unfortunate motorcycle accident which coincided with my birthday was the first of two times I almost lost my dad indefinitely during this period. He was laid up in a hospital bed for several months while his broken bones healed and developed a addiction for prescription pills that mixed nicely with alcohol. After a DUI around my birthday (see why I hated my birthday for years?) which luckily became an eye opening experience, he wanted help. He voluntarily went to rehab in Arizona which was a small miracle and the first time I let myself get optimistic about the future. This was shattered on day 3, when I received a phone call that he fell. At first things seemed okay, he was alert and responsive but in the short ride to the hospital things drastically changed. I got another phone call that he was unconscious and not breathing on his own accord. The ER doctor called me after a short while and stated that they were life flighting him to the University of Arizona. I asked him to level with me on the severity of the injury and told him that I work in healthcare. He basically told me that I should pray to whatever God I believed in and get to the hospital as fast as I can. I'm a fixer and I hold myself together in crisis, it's one of my strengths. I made two of the hardest phone calls of my life: one to my second father and my dad's best friend and the other to my estranged uncle and told them to make arrangements to get to AZ because the prognosis was not good. I then fell apart. I gave myself 5 minutes to violently cry. Afterward, my body ached and I pulled my shit together and got my computer out. I lived in Muskogee, OK at the time and since the soonest I could flew into AZ was 20 hours from the current time and knowing there would be no chance in hell that I'd sleep that night, I decided to hop in my car, crank up my music and drive. That night I learned a lot about my friendships. I learned that some people were more family then just friends and thank you God for blessing me with these people that were my savior during this night of hell. My best friend Steve, called me every hour to keep me alert. My second mom checked in with me repeatedly. Both Cindy and Steve offered to meet me in AZ. I learned a real lesson in what love was but not the romantic kind. After 16 hours of nonstop driving, I arrived. My dad was still hanging on after surgery and after talking to the doctor I realized just how amazing that was in itself as 90% of people with the exact same injury die the second they hit the ground. Eric and my Uncle joined me about 5 hours later and we got ourselves a hotel room, visited my dad and ate dinner. At the time my head hit the pillow, I had been awake for 38 hours and quite possibly 26 of the most frightening hours of my life. This story isn't about this so I'm going to end this one with my dad survived, he required 6 months of inpatient physical and cognitive therapy before he could return home. A head injury did not help the alcoholism and now we've been on and off the wagon for years. He's completed 2 stints of rehab and almost immediately fell of the wagon. I've spent endless hours, pleading with him, begging him, and scolding him. I've had conversations that I never imagined having with my father. I've been sad, disappointed, ashamed, angry.... until one day I just shut off all my emotions. I spent several years feeling completely numb... I didn't care about myself and I most certainly didn't care about other people. Sure, I faked it well... but at the end of the day, I had no capacity to care. It's a wild feeling to be numb emotionally. You don't feel happy, sad, angry, etc... but most importantly, you can't feel pain. After my dad's last stint in rehab in early 2014, I finally turned them back on again... I felt everything that I had been numb to for too many years. I stopped making excuses and stopped blaming the disease for the pain and put the blame fully on my dad's shoulders. I was so fucking mad at him that is sprouted several dark, scary poems which has always been my outlet for release. I told him that I never believed you could hate someone and love someone at the same time, but I did now because I felt exactly that way with him. Then, I let it all go. I don't hold on to anger..I process it, express it and let it go. More happened in that 10 year period that forced me to be strong. I don't break and I will never allow some else to break me.. that is reserved solely for myself. However, after assessing all the pain someone I love unconditionally has caused me, why in the hell would I ever voluntarily sign up for this? I wonder if I am even capable of feeling something so strongly as love for someone in a romantic way, knowing that it opens me up for more abuse. Both examples of unconditional love in my life have been detrimental and disastrous that begs the question, can love ever end well?

Love within friendships are different because you are never expected to live with that person or share all your assets with them like in marriage. Friendships and romantic relationships are both conditional loves... conditional on whatever expectation you both have for the relationship. However, the pressure is always more with romantic relationships and I am not sure that I will ever understand that... perhaps it's the general belief that romantic relationships should always evolve. First you date, then move in, then get engaged, then married, then kids...or whatever natural progression you approve of based of your religious beliefs. Why do romantic relationships have to evolve? If someone makes you happy and they feel right then why is it necessary for it to change? In fact, I recently read an article about fuck yes or no. If both parties aren't saying fuck yes about something then it's a no. If one is fuck yes about marriage and the other is so-so then you absolutely should not get married. Same with kids, same with houses, same with dating... If you aren't a fuck yes then someone is going to have resentment when the rose colored honeymoon phase wears off and reality encroaches. Maybe my issue isn't whether I can love, but rather whether love exists like fairytales and societal views. Love isn't pretty... love is messy. I like messy. Messy is real. However, inside everything is beauty so yes even messy love can be beautiful... chaos is still beautiful.

After writing all this... I still have more questions than answers. I do however know that I won't be putting dating on the forefront. If I meet someone that cares to tell me how they are feeling then maybe he's the right person for me. My own personal Mr Perfect-For-Me. Quite frankly, I'm tired of second guessing, looking crazy and pretending to even care at this point. I believe in spontaneity in dating. I don't think a person needs to live close to you because if they don't and if you are worth it to each other and if you make each other happy, you both will find a way to make it work. I've driven miles and hours to go on one date with someone. I don't need to think twice about hopping in my car to spend time with someone that makes my soul smile. I am never too busy for someone that makes me happy. Call me silly but people are worth it and I'm worth being happy. Whether I find love or not, I will be happy and I will not sacrifice who I am to be in a relationship or to be accepted by any one. I guess if we are all meant to experience love then we will... if not, we won't but I will not let this consume me or my time anymore.

One last thought... If love is out there... and IF I find it... that shit is meant to be shared. I'm going to shout it from the rooftop.. Share love with the world. This world needs more love to overshadow all the hate. Don't hid the messy, chaotic, pretty love. If you find yourself not shouting it from the rooftop then I leave you with one last question... is it really love? Or is it comfortable?