He didn't mention that on his dating profile...

War re-enactment, retainers and therapy- September, 2011

I decided to attempt internet dating again since I was returning back to Michigan for a lengthier period of time. I got a message from a guy and we had quite a bit in common. He wasn't freaked out about my creepier interests in music, movies, etc. I did have a few concerns about him since he enjoyed going to civil war re-enactments and liked World or Warcraft which is a role playing game that I don't understand. I decided that I was just trying to talk myself out of meeting him before I even had a chance to meet him, which is something I'm good at. I have an impeccable ability to talking myself out of liking any guy before it can get serious. With some encouragement from my friends, I decided to make a date with this guy and ignore my concerns.

He wanted to meet asap and the night he suggested, I had plans with my friend, Sunny (aka Crazy Red). I told him he could meet up with us but my friend would be there. He agreed and we agreed on a restaurant/bar in Portage. We got there first so that I could talk to our waitress and instruct her that under no circumstances was ANYONE pay my bill and a big tip would be coming to her if she agreed to this. She did. He arrived and it was okay. Not too awkward. He looked like his pictures and we ordered dinner. We chatted until our food came and then things got dicey. As soon as his plate was placed in front on him, he removed his retainer. At the table. Trail of spit and everything. Then placed it in his pocket, not one of those retainer cases... directly into his unsanitary pocket. I was disgusted (I had a retainer in middle and high school and was a FREAK about cleaning that thing. It would have never gone in my pocket, EVER). I luckily was able to avoid barfing but now I'm thinking “he couldn't have left that thing at home? In the car?”. It is a first date afterall, manners are important on a first date cause what the hell is he going to do with it when he's comfortable with me? Leave it resting ON THE TABLE? Ewwww.. Another friend texted Sunny and asked where we were so, Daisy stopped by. It was great timing because Sunny and I wanted a cigarette and Daisy said she was cool to be alone with him for a few minutes.

Sunny and I go outside for a cigarette. We were gone 3 minutes, maybe 4 at the most. When I went back inside he was telling Daisy “so when I got back, my superior officer told me that I had to seek counseling because I was having trouble adjusting to civilian life again.” Dude, literally just met my friend and was telling her this shit. I was horrified. Not to mention he was drunk off of 2 beers which is probably why he was oversharing with a stranger. At this point, I was just waiting for my escape which coincided with Daisy finishing her meal. I said my good-byes to him and left. I wasn't going to say how awful the date was then and there as this guy just admitted that he was having trouble adjusting to civilian life. I mean let's be real, I'm not a moron.

I get in my car with Sunny and we drive away, heading to another bar when I get a text. It was from him saying how much fun he had on our date. I ignored it for the night and then got a text the next morning asking if I wanted to go to the river with him. This semi-annoyed me because I specifically told him that I couldn't do anything on Saturday cause I was heading to a wedding (it eventually fell through but I didn't tell him that). I told him that I was busy and that I didn't think we would work out. I used the no connection card and that I was getting ready to move across the country in about a month and was struggling to see all my friends as is. He was a little too understanding, stating that he would wait a year for me. I was freaked out and declined this. Funny thing, is I was friends with him on Facebook. I met him at the beginning of July and left for Yuma, AZ at the end of July. By October, he was married. Hmmmm... very interesting.  

My teenage self would be impressed with my adult self

 The day my teenage self would admire my adult self- May 2013

Okay so while in New Zealand, I made plans to head to a Limp Bizkit concert with my friend Aria once I was stateside. As a teenager, Limp Bizkit was my favorite band, I knew every word to every song. My best friend then was Theresa and we would drive around listening to them. When I was 15, almost 16 I went to my first rock concert which was Family Values. Limp Bizkit was our sole reason for convincing our parents to let us drive to Grand Rapids on a school night. Theresa, Emily and I went and had an amazing night.

Come full circle, 15 years later, Limp Bizkit was back in Grand Rapids so I knew I had to see this. The venue was a small one, Orbit Room which made the experience better. Aria came to my house and she started pre-gaming. This was her night, like me, she loved Limp Bizkit and tells people that Fred Durst is her husband so I decided to be the designated driver. We took off and got to the Orbit Room and discovered a long line. It was early May in Michigan and a cold day so we decided to wait it out. We didn't care to see the openers, after 30 minutes the line was still long so we decided to head over to the bikini bar next door and have a cocktail to wait. Inside, we made conversation with one of the “showgirls” and sipped our drinks. After another 30 minutes we went back to the Orbit Room and finally the line was short enough to head up. Once, inside the opener was finishing his performance and we decided to wander. As we walked passed the mechandise booth, we saw a sign talking about meeting the band after the show. It was advertised as $150 so we stood there pondering the idea. I told Aria that it was her call and I'd do whatever she wanted. Finally, the guy behind the booth yelled “meet the band...$150 for two people. Right now there are on 30 people.” I looked at Aria and she had lit up but was still indesicive, asking me what I thought. I told her, again, it was her call. She finally decided to do it. The man gave us special bracelets and we headed in for the show.

Aria found the bar and got another beer. We found a place to stand that was less crowded on the second tier with a railing to lean against. I was pretty happy with the view until I noticed an upstairs so I asked a few people about how to get up there. None of the staff seemed to know so I dropped it and settled into our newly marked territory. Aria got herself another beer and came back double fisting. I told her that she might want to slow down so she could remember the night later. She said these were her last beers. After the show started a bouncer I talked to earlier came up to me and asked if I was asking about the upstairs earlier. I said that I was and he told me it was open and how to get there. We checked it out and it had an amazing ariel view with very few people up there. We took up residence, standing in the back so we had plenty of space to get down. Aria left to use the bathroom and came back with yet another beer... haha...I gave her shit as she was getting pretty hammered. We were enjoying the show when a older woman approached us complaining about how they were playing all their old stuff and how she wanted to hear “Angels”. I don't even know the song she is referring to but I enjoyed the older stuff. She said she kept yelling it and attempted flashing them but it didn't work...wonder why old lady? We told her we wanted to hear “Break Stuff” and she eventually walked away. After the current song ended, they started playing our song and Aria went nuts and disappeared behind me somewhere. I stayed as our purses were in the seats in front of us. At this point the older lady approached me yelling about the music selection again. I ignored her, I was dancing. She proceeded to stand next to me, staring and attempting to get my attention. I DON'T CARE LADY!!! After the song ended, the lights came on and the show was over.

We slowly made our way downstairs and were herded into a corner to wait for everyone to leave so the meet n' greet could start. Aria was hammered at this point. A tall black man was in charged and remided us that he had the right to kick us out if anyone was disrespectful. Aria kept trying to make smart ass comments and I continually had to stop her, reminding her that it was stupid to get kicked out before it started. She settled down. Suddenly, someone brought out some beer and they served everyone. I took some Gatorade.

After a bit, a guy walked out and Aria flipped her shit saying “it's him.” She got quiet and said she just wanted to hang back for a minute and observe. She stated that she didn't know what to say to him. Eventually, she got enough balls to ask for a picture and he obliged. We went back to our place against the wall where she again stated that she didn't know what to say to him. I decided to approach him and told him that my first rock concert was them at Family Values in Grand Rapids 15 years ago. We reminisced about that show and Aria jumped in talking about a life size photo she had of him in her dorm room in college. We chatted for 5 minutes or so and he went on his way, meeting other concert goers. Aria followed him like a lost puppy stating one liners whenever she could. She attempted to follow him into a back room but I stopped her saying she couldn't. Her response was “wanna bet?” I then explained that if she did then she'd look like the crazy fan, this struck a cord and she stopped.

After a bit, another band member came out and I pointed him out. Aria said “that's DJ Lethal.” I suggested getting our photo with him since, after all, he is in the band. She agreed and walked up chatted and asked for the picture. We all talked for a bit and then Aria was right back following Fred again. I was waiting for Wes Borland to come out and eventually he arrived. He immediately commented on Aria's necklace which she told him I made. He said it was “an attention getter” We proceeded to get our photo with him and gravatated back to Fred. I kept saying, “wow, time was not kind to him....as he looked totally different than I remembered.” After three more beers at the meet n' greet, Aria was getting out of control and I decided to tell her that it was time to go, that I was tired. We walked out to the car and Aria almost immediately passed out.

On the ride home, Aria would periodically become alert, do something on her phone and then fall back to sleep. I jammed out to some music and as I got to I-94, Amanda woke up and asked where we were going. I told her that she was in no condition to drive and I was dropping her off at home. She stated “I'm good.” I disagreed and she stated “but I'm not going home.” I inquired as to where she was going and told her that I could drop her off. She then paused then said, “I'm going home.” I laughed and pulled into her driveway. She opened the door and took about 2 minutes to get out of the truck and announced “I'm druuuunk” the second her feet hit the ground. She stumbled to the house and went inside.

The next morning, I picked her up to get her car. I discussed the night before and how I questioned some of the pictures from the night before. She agreed on my concerns. “Fred” the Fred that she followed around all night like a puppy dog was not Fred and in fact was the drummer. “DJ Lethal” was indeed the real Fred Durst. The real kicker here is that she was all awkward around the drummer but walked right up to the actual Fred and spoke to him without a single problem. It was hilarious. All I can say is that I'm glad I suggested getting that photo with “the other band member (aka Fred Durst)”

randomly running into your favorite band...

Another reason to love Seafood- Detroit January 16, 2013

So In late December, Hollywood Undead dropped their first single from their upcoming album which totally pumped me up. They set a release date of January 8^th and announced that Clown from Slipknot was going to direct their first video for We Are. Once the video was released, they also announced a new tour. The tour was two weeks long and was going to 500 or less maximum capacity venues, one was in Chicago and another was in Detroit. I immediately texted Amanda and she was in for both but given they were back to back days we decided to go to Detroit only. She booked the tickets and we were set to go.

January 8^th finally arrived and Amanda picked me up around noon. I had booked a room at the Detroit Regency which was 0.9 miles from the venue and 2.2 miles from Windsor. We listened to Hollywood Undead's new CD on the way and pulled into our hotel around 3:45 PM. The hotel was a classy joint. Once you check in, you have to swipe a key to access the rooms. We had a room on the top floor and furthest from the elevators. The room was covered in dust and had several delivery menus in the room which was pretty convenient. The clock was broken and the room was overall filthy. We decided to order some pizza and lay around for a while.

Around 5:30 we started to get ready and arranged for a taxi to pick us up at 7pm. I had two killer outfits that were dresses/skirts but didn't have the balls to wear them since it was 30 some degrees outside. Luckily, I didn't because once we got to the venue the line was around the building. We stood outside for 15-20 minutes before we got inside. Once inside Amanda noticed that they still had some VIP tickets available. I was in and so we purchased them. This was by far the smartest thing that we could have done as they gave us access to an area upstairs that overlooked the stage. We also had seats. Below was a single level of standing room only. We had a clear view of the stage and we were super happy. We started drinking a few beers, Miller Light for Amanda and PBR for me. The concert started and we were on our feet dancing, singing and sweating our asses off for the hour and a half set. They didn't disappoint us and were completely amazing.

We left the concert in a complete high and called our taxi driver. He picked us up and drove us around the block, pointing out all the bars in the surrounding area, all of which were dead on a Wednesday night. The casino seemed to be our safest bet so we got out there and entered the first bar we found. I ordered champagne and a shot of chambord and Amanda followed suit with the champagne. We reminisced about the concert and had two gentleman approach us. They were in town for the car show and they were asking us about what was going on in town. We told him that we were from out of town and they inquired about why which lead into a long conversation about the concert.

After we finished our drinks we walked across the street to a restaurant and bar called Fishbone. Amanda had another friend Amanda (#2) that was meeting us there. Once she arrived I ordered a wine and listened half heartedly while they caught up. Suddenly, I grabbed Amanda's arm and froze. A group of people that included four familiar looking guys were being shown into a back room by the hostess. #2 asked if I saw the band and I responded with maybe. I immediately asked the bartender where the bathroom was and luckily it was toward the back. I headed that way and saw that way but didn't see where the group was seated. I headed back to our spot at the bar and told them that there was a back exit that we had to leave from. They agreed and made a pit stop for the bathroom, I headed down toward the exit when suddenly: Da Kurlz, J-Dog, Funnyman and Danny walked passed me to the bathroom. I almost shit myself and waited a few minutes before running into the bathroom. I loudly yelled “OH MY FUCKING GOOOOOODDD. IT'S THEM!!!! IT'S THEM!!!!” We went outside of the bathroom and decided what we should do, at that moment #2 pushed me out of the way as the band passed me again. We picked a spot at this bar on the end where the band was sitting in a back room within sight and immediately ordered beers and a shot. Followed by another shot and another beer, followed by one more shot. I decided that I was going to buy Funnyman a shot. We found a restaurant manager and asked her to inquiry anonymously. She headed that way and came back to the bar and told us all the while pretending to talk to TJ (the bartender). She was good on the anonymous bit. I told TJ that I wanted a shot of chilled patron sent over to their table for Funnyman with the message “great show tonight.” Again, emphasizing the anonymous part. Later, the band was leaving but one band member (Danny) posed with an emblem on the floor by our seats. Amanda asked what the hell they were doing. #2 added that Amanda and I enjoyed their show. Funnyman asked if we sent over the shot and they pointed at me saying “she did.” He thanked me and took a photo with me. They started to leave when Amanda asked them “Of all the restuarants in Detroit, why this one?” They answered that it was the only one that served seafood and they wanted seafood. At this point they had gotten closer and J-Dog was standing next to me. I asked him if anyone in the band had a Ford Fiesta and he laughed saying no and then asked me if I had one. I told him that I was raised in a Ford family and owned an F150. He told me that he also had a Ford and told me what kind but I forgot considering how fucking shocked I was. I couldn't even speak to Funnyman for God's sake. I mean I did say thank you for posing for a picture. Basically, this was the best night of my life and nothing was going to ruin it for me.

We went to the casino and grabbed another beer then sat down at a slot machine. The Amanda's did quite well. Around 1:40, Amanda and I left to hit up one more bar before closing time. We chose an irish pub and got another beer and shot. This guy next to us started hitting on us and being inappropriate so we told him that we were there with eachother and didn't like penis. His jaw dropped at the bluntness and use of penis in a public place. I didn't care. I was hammered. We called our cab driver and waited and waited and waited but he never came so we grabbed a random cab and went back to the hotel. Once there we devoured some pizza and when I laid down the room started spinning. I decided to make myself vomit and then fell asleep.

The next morning, I felt like shit. We slept till 10:30 and woke up, packed and left. Neither of us changed out of our pajamas and went out to the car. As we got there, something was off. When I opened the door the contents of Amanda's glove box was on the seat and the console was wide open. Amanda looked at me and said “my car got broken into!” Luckily she didn't have anything of value and the robbers got away with a bottle of perfume and car charger. She went into the hotel and they looked at the video. Apparently, the robbers were in and out of her car in 30 seconds because her alarm went off and they were in and out of the parking lot in two minutes. When she got back, she asked how I thought they got in and I remembered a news story I saw about how people were leaving bullet hole like marks below the handles. This was not the case but it did help us notice the fact that the handle had been lifted which caused Amanda to call the police to report the robbery. They gave her a case number and we were on our way. I spent the entire drive home feeling like death warmed over covered with my blanket and wishing for a quick death. Amanda even said “I don't get why we feel like shit...we didn't even drink that much last night.” I listed all the items that we drank and almost threw up and had to stop. All and all, it was an incredible night...

Jerry Springer here we come...

Going to the chapel- may 5, 2011

As a kid, I was really good friends with a girl named Marcie. We remained friends through my college years but eventually drifted apart. Growing up, I remember hearing stories about Marcies's “bat shit crazy” half sister Mary. Fast forward to September 2^nd 2000, it's my birthday and I'm in town. My dad brings his “girlfriend” Mary to my dinner. Apparently, they knew each other in high school and had crushes on each other and lost touch when my dad married my mom.

Mary and him reconnected on facebook. Currently, she lives in Denver and they have been seeing eachother for a few months via long distance trips. My dad clearly forgets that he used to call her bat shit crazy. Anyway, my dad is an alcoholic and falls off the wagon hard core (I'm not sure he was officially ever on the wagon) but it spiraled and I confronted him. I also called Mary and told her about his alcoholism...she was in denial and apparently had been enabling him while they were on their trips. He agreed to go to rehab in Denver.

After he completed rehab, I drove to Denver to pick him up and within 24 hours of arriving home, he was inebriate so I shipped him back to Denver to be with Mary... apparently, what he wanted. I started to come out for visits to help move Mary and her daughter(s) things to Michigan and on one of these trips my dad tells me that they are getting married before they move. The date is May 5, 2011. Less than a month away.

My father whom has told me the majority of my life to never get married is jumping into a marriage with a women that he has been dating less than a year and he knew her over 30 years ago??? Cause I'm sure she is exactly the same person as she was at 20... I mean none of us change, right? She has been married and divorced twice.... There is no possible way that she could have baggage from that, is there? This prompts a big argument between my dad and I. He even locked himself in his bedroom and refused to talk to me. I only wanted to know why there was such an urgency and his response was that he didn't owe me an explanation. Okay, so you can't explain it, yet you are doing it anyway? Yeah, totally makes sense to me. I almost left that night and had no plans of coming to the wedding but he finally came out of his room and we semi- resolved the conflict. He still wouldn't answer my question however.

I went sight seeing early the next morning and didn't come back till late that night. They didn't seem to care much. The following morning I went home with a load of stuff. I was to come back just before the wedding.

May 5^th rolls around and to continue the insanity, my dad decides that he doesn't need a pre-nuptiul agreement. Another brilliant idea from a brain injured drunk if I do say so myself. The wedding is at a little church and my now step sister Kristin, her friend Samantha, my dad, Mary and I are the only people in attendance. It went off without a hitch and I lent Mary my grandma's necklace that I had. We took photos and then Kristin, Samantha and I went to eat and Mary and my dad went on their honeymoon. That night, Kristin and I went out to a local bar via taxi and had a pretty fun time until Kristin decided to wander off. Kristin is not one to answer her phone, let alone charge it and I'm in a strange city, not knowing Mary's address, drinking and alone. I was freaking out and pissed at her. After I alerted a few people to be looking for her, one of them finally saw her and told her to find me and we were finally reunited. A few days later, I headed back to Michigan.

I, of course, texted Marcie to congratulate her on becoming my new step-aunt. Wow...can we say Jerry Springer?  To further complicate things Marcie's mom (Mary's step-mom) has also hit on my dad just prior to my dad marrying Mary.  Can we say awkward?  

I'm sick of meeting men in person...what not to do.

WTF? Etiquette when hitting on or hooking up with a girl.

Okay I don't personally use pick-up lines because I'm just not overly interested in finding hook ups and prefer honesty. However, I have had plenty used on me.

TIME YOUR APPROACH: My biggest pet peeve is timing when a guy approaches. I usually go out to bars and other places to SURPISE hang out with the people I came with. I really find it to be a hard off when I am mid-sentence and some jackass shows up at my table with something stupid to say. Timing is everything and there is usually empty moments during a conversation, or the person you are interested in gets up to grab a drink or go to the bathroom. This is your time... make it count.

DON'T BE SEXIST: don't use lines that make you sound like a sexist pig. I've had lines like “where's your husband at?”, “you're cute, why are you single?” “Why aren't you married?”. All of these make you sound like a man from the 1920's. I am not a 1920's housewife. I am not married because I don't want to be. I am not married because I am an independent woman. Just because some women dream about making house, does not mean we all do and it's not a compliment for you to say things that suggest something is wrong with me because I am not married.

ONE LINERS: I personally don't mind the corny pick up lines as long as you realize they are corny and you are only using them to be funny. Using a one-liner and being completely serious enters you into the creepy category. Nobody wants to be in the creepy category. I like more original one liners that haven't been done over and over and over. If you can make a girl laugh then you have one foot in the door. My favorites used were “nice shoes, wanna fuck?”, “I can't taste my lips, can I taste yours?”

IMPRESS THE FRIENDS: If a girl is with her friends when you meet her then don't ignore them. However, there is a fine line between being friendly and being flirty. You will put off an entire group of girls if you flirt with them all. Pick one and make her feel special but don't exclude her friends... remember: girl friends are the best cock blockers.

LISTEN: nobody wants to repeat themselves. Period. Also, if you are interested in a girl, then remembering her name is probably a good thing. I can't tell you the amount of times a guy spent the better part of the night hitting on me and I have to repeatedly tell him my name and/or answer the same questions. This is always a hard off and I eventually leave...without them.

DON'T BE A DRUNKARD: You are making a first impression. Liquid courage is sometimes needed however being shit housed is likely frowned upon by any girl. Also, ever hear of whiskey dick? If you are only after a one night stand, being drunk won't do you any favors (or her). Most girls over 25 are aware of this phenomenon and it's not even worth our time. Not to mention, I have never met an inebriated casanova. You make think you are but really you are probably just a slurring, stumbling fool. Lay off the alcohol and save yourself some money.

COMPLIMENT: compliments are underrated. Girls like when guys compliment them. Most girls are self conscious about something and compliments are always appreciated. Girls face criticism from other girls and guys alike so in this dog eat dog world, it's nice to hear someone say something nice.

DON'T OVERSHARE: I am guilty of over-sharing but I also know that some things are the kiss of death. I was at a gay bar once and this older gentleman sat next to me. He told me how he is bi-curious and came there to find a man. Later, in the evening he started telling me that he questioned his bi-curiosity since he couldn't keep his eyes off me. This was just weird and not flattering. Another guy told me all about his divorce, kids and drama with both just before he asked me out. To me that translates as you are not over your ex and I won't touch you with a 5 foot pole.

THE TAKEAWAY: This is maybe your best offense and best way to avoid rejection. It's been used on me personally twice and always works, even though I know exactly what they are up to. So the takeaway is when you approach a girl that you find attractive as you are heading somewhere else in the building (re: bathroom, bar, etc). As you pass her, you lean in and whisper a compliment to her. The specific ones used on me were “you are the most beautiful girl I've ever seen” and “you are gorgeous.” You then continue walking to where ever your destination was. This will immediately peak her interest into who you are. She will either come up to you or continue to look at you if it worked. If neither of those happen then you didn't get rejected cause all you did was paid a compliment and made someone else feel good about themselves.

STAY IN YOUR LEAGUE: If you are a 4, don't go for the 10. If you are 40, unless you are rich then no 20 year old wants you. The biggest reason people get rejected is because they try to go out of their league. If you are in a bar trying to get a hookup then it's all shallowness so don't get butt hurt when someone way hotter than you says no. You chose the person because they were hot, they rejected you because you weren't. Deal with it and find someone closer to your own number.

DON'T LIE: Don't lie to people to get them into bed. If you are married, fess up. Plenty of girls don't mind and you should be finding those girls. Don't tell a girl you will call, when in fact you have no intention of calling. Never tell someone you love them when you don't. Men always wonder how they get themselves in weird situations... because you say things, anything, to get a woman in your bed. Quit with that shit and just be real. Girls like sex too and don't need lies to get them into the bedroom. In fact, honesty is so refreshing that you are likely to have more success with a girl like me.

RESPECT: at the end of the day, you should respect everyone until they give you a reason not to respect them. Girls like to be treated nicely. Open the fucking door for her especially if she has decided to open her legs to you. Pretend like you have manners around women: no talking with food in your mouth, say please, say thank you, don't make sexiest comments, open doors, no burping loudly, farting, cover your mouth when you cough, etc. I realize that a lot of woman have lost their manners but that is a different topic. Oh and please don't spit in my drink while you are talking (another reason not to be a drunkard).

Online dating has a whole different set of rules which I may write about at a later time. The moral of this story to meeting a girl in person is to compliment her, be honest and treat her with respect. Decide in advance if you are there to hit on girls or get drunk and for God sake's stay within your league.

Is love meant for everyone?

Is love for everyone?

This is going to sound a bit Sex and the City-ish but it's a topic that's been on my mind for quite sometime. I pose the question is love for everyone? Do we all need love? Is there really someone for everyone?

Johnny Cash once was asked to describe is vision of paradise and he answered it simple “this morning, having coffee, with her.”- Seems simple enough... Sounds like love to me, but is it? I feel like I am not even 100% sure what love is. Are there different types of love? Do we love at different capacities?

I am someone that is comfortable being single. I've literally been single for 13 years Sure, I've dated here and there but have yet to find someone that I want to be committed to for the long haul. I was late to the game, I didn't lose my virginity until I was 26 the story behind this is a long one but the short version is: I was lucky to date respectful boys in my formative years that didn't pressure me or trick me with promises of love. That and I was afraid of pregnancy and disease (I was always a thinker). I fell hard when I was 15 for a guy that when I first laid eyes on, knew he would be trouble. He didn't feel the connection and I settled for being his best friend for four years before he finally opened his eyes. We dated other people in the four year period. The relationship with my best friend turned boyfriend was pure and innocent and stayed that way because it ended before it all began. We were both scared about our intense feelings and broke up. We tried to remain friends and it was successful for a short period of time. He failed to mention he was dating someone else and I walked in on him kissing her goodbye which was painful to realize not only was our romance over but our friendship had changed because of it.

Moving on, I went to college. High school for me was a shitshow and I partied my ass off so once I hit college, I took it seriously. I went to class and worked between 35-40 hours a week which left me time to do homework and sleep and repeat. Guys were far from my mind and when I did decide to socialize it was spent catching up with my friends. As I started working toward my masters degree, I found my calling and classes were a breeze so I started going out again. I discovered bull riding events and traveling. The latter became a new love of my life and I spent my free time flying to various cities to meet up with friends from around the country, watching bull riding, pulling all nighters and being disgusted with the so-called Christian ways of bull riders. I was still a virgin and knew that there was no way in hell I'd touch any of these guys with a ten foot pole.

After I graduated with my masters, I found this cool job that sent me to new cities, states, etc every 3 months (or longer, if I extended). This sent me to my first job as a therapist in a tiny town called Chillicothe, population 12,000 people. It was an interesting experience and I met some pretty fantastic people. They taught me things and I taught them things. The 4.5 month experience was capped off by me losing my virginity to some guy I randomly picked and didn't like. He was an arrogant younger guy that I knew I could never possibly fall for and that was exactly what I wanted for this occasion. I mean at 26, I had waited long enough. I didn't need special, I never intended to wait for that, I wanted it over. My chosen one was physically attractive to me on a raw primal level. The experience wasn't pleasant, it was not romantic and it really wasn't comfortable as it was on a couch in a travel trailer but it was over. He had a hard time wrapping his head around the fact that he was used for sex, despite my constant assurance. This made him mildly crazy, parading girls in front of me at places he knew I'd be, which didn't even arouse a single feeling of jealousy from me.

There would be two years between my first sexual encounter till my next one. It was yet again a younger guy. I wanted sex and only was attracted physically to him. We carried on a booty call relationship until it turned and he started acting more boyfriend like than booty call so I abruptly ended it. He was actually a nice guy and I didn't want to fuck with his emotions. My sexual encounters have all been more of the same.

The problem is, I am attracted to something most people don't realize and it's deeper than physical or emotional attraction. It's energy. I am sensitive to what people put out there and very few guy's have energy that are completely enticing to me. My first and only love was my first encounter with it, although at the time, I didn't understand it. When I feel this type of attraction it's almost too overwhelming. I get butterflies, feel like I'm rendered to a 15 year old girl and can barely manage to communicate. Sometimes, when it's an even deeper connection then I am cool, calm and collected (this also depends on the amount of alcohol I've consumed). These connections are so far and few between and obviously none of the guys resemble each other physically (which is nice because I don't really have a type-although my best friend does describe most of them as “goofy” looking.)

Anyway, over the years, I have tried dating. The problem is that I am a direct, brutally honest communicator so a) the modern form of technology does not do me any favors: via text direct, honest communication comes off as bitchy. b.) I scare people because I don't like to play the game and would just rather tell someone how I feel. See, I am not afraid of rejection but I am afraid of wasting my time on someone that isn't right for me or is playing games. See by definition, games means a competition and I'm competitive, if I play the game, my only objective is to win the said game and once I win I inevitably lose interest. This never ends well for the guy and I look like an asshole because feelings get involved. Games involving feelings are not fun and always end badly for someone. I'd rather just say “Hey, I like what I know about you and want to know more.” Honest, no guessing games but with society so stuck on “games” this type of interaction has backfired. My friend all shake their heads at me and tell me that I have to play the game... no participate in the “chase” which is supposedly different than the “game”.

SIDENOTE: I know a lot of guys that bitch about getting friend-zoned. Did you ever think that this is because you played the “game” too long? I know I personally don't like blurred lines. All guys have a limited time to make a move or they are forever filed into my “friend” box. It's not that I expect a guy to make the first move but I have a basic assumption and that is everyone wants to be my friend. I still find it weird when men are attracted to me... I know I am a fairly good looking girl but I just find the laws of attraction weird. I find it weird when I'm attracted to someone. I can't really explain it. My basic hypothesis is that everyone wants to be my friend because I like people and love friends. I guess I'd rather be friends with someone cool then loose them. Plus, I'm completely dense and almost never pick up on a guy hitting on me until it's too late or completely blatant. Subtlety is not my forte. Back to the point, did you ever think that maybe by putting yourself out there sooner, it may have stopped you from being filed as a “friend”? Plus, who the fuck wants to be friends with someone that you were originally physically attracted to?? I learned this lesson last year when I got friend-zoned by a guy that I was romantically interested in and I ended that “friendship”... yikes, that would have been weird. So you come clean and she isn't into you...what's the worst thing you've lost? A friend that you secretly wanted to date but instead get to watch other guys date her instead. 90% of girls will not open their eyes and magically decide they mis-filed you into the “friend-zone”, nope you will never get her and will never move on because she is still around.

So my second approach to dating was to be more mysterious and participate in the “chase”... this makes me slowly see my sanity slip away because now I have to question everything the other person says because while participating in this, I obviously agreed to decipher a secret code that I don't and will never understand. I'd call my best male friend Steve to talk strategy. Until one day after several horrible dates lacking all chemistry, I woke up and decided that I was wearing some sort of mask and pretending to be someone I wasn't. You see, I am not patient enough for the “game” or the “chase”. I'd rather be vulnerable, open and honest and if a guy can't live with that then they most certainly cannot live with me. I have no filter when I am comfortable with people. I say whatever I'm thinking. Again, I'm not afraid of rejection and would much rather be rejected for who I am than accepted for what I'm not. Happiness to me is not holding back, waiting to reveal certain layer of who I am. So I gave up on dating. I continued moving around the country to seven states in five years time. I made great connections with amazing people that all accept me for me. My heart is full of love but not “romantic love”. So again... I re-assess my life and ask people what image they have of me.

The results were pretty consistent. Most guys I asked said “You are intimidating.” I also got that I'm too strong and very few guys could deal with that. I am intimidating? Really, I am also told, I'm incredibly easy to talk to so that doesn't really jive together. I guess I'm intimidating because I have self confidence, like myself, carry myself with pride, don't scan the room for available men and don't throw myself around like I spread my legs for anything with a dick. I mean, honestly, that's insulting. I understand the strong comment. I am not overly emotional, I am not needy and shy of me telling a guy that I like them, I am hard to read when I'm interested. I don't believe in asking people direct questions to get to know them. I like to ask off the wall questions that actually reveal a lot more about a person without them thinking twice about them. The truth is, I'm highly intuitive and I can learn more from observing someone then speaking with someone. My reasoning for avoiding direct questions is because this is usually when someone is going to lie to you. It's not always true but it's an accurate generalization. Sometimes the reasoning for the lie is that they aren't ready to tell you, they don't want to admit the truth to themselves or they are just liars and incapable of being vulnerable. I find asking open ended fun questions tells you things direct questions could never indicate and most people don't think to lie about their answers because they don't realize just how much someone like me can learn about them. Another reason is I also like organic, flowing conversation where one person offers up something and the other person shares something personal. It's natural and if you can't have a conversation that flows then what's the point?

Rounding this rant back to the point, I sometimes wonder... is there even someone out there for me? Can someone be vulnerable enough and open enough to accept me for who I am? Why does expressing my feelings mean I'm crazy? What is so fucked up about society that we resort to playing games where people get hurt... hell scared for life?

The benefit of having open communication and knowing that feelings change is a great hypothesis for dating. Just because someone initially liked you doesn't mean they always will, I mean the early stage is meant to learn about the other person. I'm someone that would rather have someone tell me that they are now rejecting me after initially accepting me for whatever reason. The truth is, we all find people that we initially click with but then we change our minds then that's okay. People are complex and we have many layers and we all have dealbreakers. Why does this rejection send people spinning out of control? We are not all meant to get along or spend all of eternity together. One of the points of dating is to find the flaws within people and decide whether we like them more for them because it makes them uniquely human or if they are deal breakers and it's time to fold and move on to the next one.

To further complicate this issue and bring forward my real issues and curiosity to this topic of are we all capable of loving, I present this. Starting in college and continuing to the present day I have experienced the rockiest 10 year span of my life. My parents divorced after 28 years of marriage and I severed communication from my mother because she essentially chose an employee over me, which later burned her. She called offering an apology for being wrong since I was right about this said employee...completely misunderstanding the entire reason that I was mad at her in the first place. This basically explains a lot of my childhood with a mother that was egocentric. She wasn't always that way but something changed in 1996 that is neither here nor there and beyond the point of this topic. Within this 10 year period, I watched my dad go from an alcohol abuser to functioning alcoholic is full blown alcoholic forcing me into a mother-son role with him because it's been essentially him and I over the years. An unfortunate motorcycle accident which coincided with my birthday was the first of two times I almost lost my dad indefinitely during this period. He was laid up in a hospital bed for several months while his broken bones healed and developed a addiction for prescription pills that mixed nicely with alcohol. After a DUI around my birthday (see why I hated my birthday for years?) which luckily became an eye opening experience, he wanted help. He voluntarily went to rehab in Arizona which was a small miracle and the first time I let myself get optimistic about the future. This was shattered on day 3, when I received a phone call that he fell. At first things seemed okay, he was alert and responsive but in the short ride to the hospital things drastically changed. I got another phone call that he was unconscious and not breathing on his own accord. The ER doctor called me after a short while and stated that they were life flighting him to the University of Arizona. I asked him to level with me on the severity of the injury and told him that I work in healthcare. He basically told me that I should pray to whatever God I believed in and get to the hospital as fast as I can. I'm a fixer and I hold myself together in crisis, it's one of my strengths. I made two of the hardest phone calls of my life: one to my second father and my dad's best friend and the other to my estranged uncle and told them to make arrangements to get to AZ because the prognosis was not good. I then fell apart. I gave myself 5 minutes to violently cry. Afterward, my body ached and I pulled my shit together and got my computer out. I lived in Muskogee, OK at the time and since the soonest I could flew into AZ was 20 hours from the current time and knowing there would be no chance in hell that I'd sleep that night, I decided to hop in my car, crank up my music and drive. That night I learned a lot about my friendships. I learned that some people were more family then just friends and thank you God for blessing me with these people that were my savior during this night of hell. My best friend Steve, called me every hour to keep me alert. My second mom checked in with me repeatedly. Both Cindy and Steve offered to meet me in AZ. I learned a real lesson in what love was but not the romantic kind. After 16 hours of nonstop driving, I arrived. My dad was still hanging on after surgery and after talking to the doctor I realized just how amazing that was in itself as 90% of people with the exact same injury die the second they hit the ground. Eric and my Uncle joined me about 5 hours later and we got ourselves a hotel room, visited my dad and ate dinner. At the time my head hit the pillow, I had been awake for 38 hours and quite possibly 26 of the most frightening hours of my life. This story isn't about this so I'm going to end this one with my dad survived, he required 6 months of inpatient physical and cognitive therapy before he could return home. A head injury did not help the alcoholism and now we've been on and off the wagon for years. He's completed 2 stints of rehab and almost immediately fell of the wagon. I've spent endless hours, pleading with him, begging him, and scolding him. I've had conversations that I never imagined having with my father. I've been sad, disappointed, ashamed, angry.... until one day I just shut off all my emotions. I spent several years feeling completely numb... I didn't care about myself and I most certainly didn't care about other people. Sure, I faked it well... but at the end of the day, I had no capacity to care. It's a wild feeling to be numb emotionally. You don't feel happy, sad, angry, etc... but most importantly, you can't feel pain. After my dad's last stint in rehab in early 2014, I finally turned them back on again... I felt everything that I had been numb to for too many years. I stopped making excuses and stopped blaming the disease for the pain and put the blame fully on my dad's shoulders. I was so fucking mad at him that is sprouted several dark, scary poems which has always been my outlet for release. I told him that I never believed you could hate someone and love someone at the same time, but I did now because I felt exactly that way with him. Then, I let it all go. I don't hold on to anger..I process it, express it and let it go. More happened in that 10 year period that forced me to be strong. I don't break and I will never allow some else to break me.. that is reserved solely for myself. However, after assessing all the pain someone I love unconditionally has caused me, why in the hell would I ever voluntarily sign up for this? I wonder if I am even capable of feeling something so strongly as love for someone in a romantic way, knowing that it opens me up for more abuse. Both examples of unconditional love in my life have been detrimental and disastrous that begs the question, can love ever end well?

Love within friendships are different because you are never expected to live with that person or share all your assets with them like in marriage. Friendships and romantic relationships are both conditional loves... conditional on whatever expectation you both have for the relationship. However, the pressure is always more with romantic relationships and I am not sure that I will ever understand that... perhaps it's the general belief that romantic relationships should always evolve. First you date, then move in, then get engaged, then married, then kids...or whatever natural progression you approve of based of your religious beliefs. Why do romantic relationships have to evolve? If someone makes you happy and they feel right then why is it necessary for it to change? In fact, I recently read an article about fuck yes or no. If both parties aren't saying fuck yes about something then it's a no. If one is fuck yes about marriage and the other is so-so then you absolutely should not get married. Same with kids, same with houses, same with dating... If you aren't a fuck yes then someone is going to have resentment when the rose colored honeymoon phase wears off and reality encroaches. Maybe my issue isn't whether I can love, but rather whether love exists like fairytales and societal views. Love isn't pretty... love is messy. I like messy. Messy is real. However, inside everything is beauty so yes even messy love can be beautiful... chaos is still beautiful.

After writing all this... I still have more questions than answers. I do however know that I won't be putting dating on the forefront. If I meet someone that cares to tell me how they are feeling then maybe he's the right person for me. My own personal Mr Perfect-For-Me. Quite frankly, I'm tired of second guessing, looking crazy and pretending to even care at this point. I believe in spontaneity in dating. I don't think a person needs to live close to you because if they don't and if you are worth it to each other and if you make each other happy, you both will find a way to make it work. I've driven miles and hours to go on one date with someone. I don't need to think twice about hopping in my car to spend time with someone that makes my soul smile. I am never too busy for someone that makes me happy. Call me silly but people are worth it and I'm worth being happy. Whether I find love or not, I will be happy and I will not sacrifice who I am to be in a relationship or to be accepted by any one. I guess if we are all meant to experience love then we will... if not, we won't but I will not let this consume me or my time anymore.

One last thought... If love is out there... and IF I find it... that shit is meant to be shared. I'm going to shout it from the rooftop.. Share love with the world. This world needs more love to overshadow all the hate. Don't hid the messy, chaotic, pretty love. If you find yourself not shouting it from the rooftop then I leave you with one last question... is it really love? Or is it comfortable?