Energy....

The funny thing about energy

I have always been pretty intuitive. Strange gut feeling about people were not uncommon for as long as I could remember. I used to talk myself out of following my guy only to be screwed over by several people, leaving me to feel like I should have known better. Eventually, I did learn my lesson, slowly and without many heartbreaks along the way. It wasn't until I was in grad school that I learned about the concept of energy and people. I was interning at a place that focused on myofacial release and energy healing. Initially, upon meeting my supervisor I thought he was a crackpot. He talked about strange things and about how he could see energy. Slowly, after working with him, I realized that he wasn't shitting me. He could do things that I still cannot explain to this day: make people scratch their noses, pinpoint a triggerpoint on the body by hovering his palm 6 inches above the person, tell me things about myself that I did not hint or express. It was crazy. He used to tell me that I was sensitive to energy and through working there that I learned my “gut” feelings were a little more complex than what I first thought. It explained why I didn't like certain cities from the second I set foot off the plane. Anyway, after reflection I was able to see how drawn I am to people based of their energy, especially the opposite sex. None of my exs look alike, none act alike and all the meaningful relationships I knew instantly that they would be a meaningful part of my life:

Now, I take you back to high school. My first real boyfriend occurred when I was 16. I remember clearly the first time I saw him: we were at school and in the main entry to our high school was the social area where we all gravitated before and after school. I was a freshman and 15 (I turned 15 the second week of freshman year) and met up with my best friend Kristin before school. We were chatting and then everything went into slow motion as KL walked into the building. It was straight out of one of those 80's movies where time kinda paused. He had strawberry blond hair, amazingly piercing blue eyes and I instantly fell for him. He was a senior, a football player and nothing like my type of guy. Eventually, Kristin and I would chat with him as he would pass us in the hallway. It broke my heart when I got a phone call from Kristin that she and him were now “talking”. Time went by, KL graduated and I no longer had the anticipation of seeing him around the halls. During the time Kristin and KL broke up and I had a falling out with Kristin that was not related to KL. I started hanging out with my childhood best friend Tiffany and her friend Amber. Amber lived near the school with her mother, whom was never home so we would throw parties. One night during my sophmore year, I was at the gas station near Amber's house and ran into KL. My heart stopped for a minute, I think. I had butterflies and had no idea what to do or say. Luckily, he stopped me and started the conversation and eventually decided to stop by the party for a bit. More time went by and I was at our local dance club for teenagers and I ran into him again. This time he invited me to come hang out with him and his friends so I quickly obliged and drove over to their friends house. After some time, I learned that KL was not just a dumb (but very good looking jock), he was intellectual and our relationship was more about intimacy and indepth conversations than it was physical. I mean we were physical but in an innocent way. He respected me and never pressured me in anyway, shape or form. Both of us enjoyed debating topics and never had one fight in the 7 months that we were together. Our energy connection was that of a intellectual one and worth every minute of it. It of course ended like most good things...young and dumb is the reason.

My second serious boyfriend I met when I 14. He was 3 years older than me and I stopped by his house with some friends. I was an idiot that day and took several caffeine pills because someone told me not to which is a horrible idea I learned later. We arrived at TH's house and I laid eyes on the most gentle man I have ever met in my life. His energy was intoxicating to me and I knew that second that I wanted more from this man...then I went to puke in his weeds. Yep, great impression. Luckily TH didn't care about my mishap when we first met..we started seeing more of each other. We would hang out in his room writing secret messages on each others backs. I would almost always say “I can hear your heart beat” and he'd respond with “is it beating fast or slow?” We weren't dating... just best friends. I decided I'd take that over nothing. TH had never had a girlfriend so he was a bit weirded out by it all. I also didn't make it a secret that I was in love/lust (whatever you want to call it) with him either. At some point during our 5 year stint of being best friends, we both dated on other person... the relationships started and ended within a week of each other. We hadn't seen each other much in the 7 months because both of us had semi-jealous significant others. As soon as both of our relationships ended, we found ourselves at our friend's basement and after an awkward hello it was like time stood still. We fell right back into our usual pattern and by the end of the night we were curled up on the couch watching Titanic together. I cried, TH made fun of me for crying. Things carried on plutonicly until my senior formal. TH took me to dinner and I went to the formal with my girlfriend. We stayed for about an hour then I met up with TH again. He was already a little tipsy and finally put a move on me. We made out for a very long time. It was incredible and we started dating. This relationship only lasted a month, mostly it ended because of fear from both of us. We knew that we would have ended up married at a super young age and both of us had a lot of growing up to do. TH was never good with expressing how he was feeling so he wrote me the most beautiful and romantic email that contained some of the nicest things anyone has ever said/written me. I still have that email printed in my journal and cannot read it without tearing up. TH and I attempted to be best friends again but it was impossible so we stopped talking. It was easier since I was still in high school and he wasn't. A year went by and we reconnected on good ole' AIM instant messenger. We made plans to see the Ring together. It was weird cause so much had happened between us and a year of not talking or seeing each other and the second I saw him....every feeling I had for him flooded back to me. We said good bye at the end of the “date” and we both looked at each other knowing this would be the last time and it was the last time. He was the only guy I've ever loved and that instant energy attraction let me experience true love. It was incredible and I hope to find it again. TH is married now and seems to be happy from the bits and pieces I've picked up through mutual friends.

FL was the guy I lost my virginity to when I was 26. I was living in MO at the time and I had instant physical chemistry the second I laid eyes on him. I didn't particularly find him to be attractive, and he had an awful personality but my body wanted something entirely different. We met and chatted a few times and then the deed was done. I tried to carry on a booty call relationship with him and even told him that I didn't like him as a person and just basically wanted sex but apparently this weirded him out. He was 22 and I guess he just couldn't understand why I wasn't ga-ga eyed over him... Hey, the body wants what the body wants. KG was also a physical chemistry relationship that I had briefly. I saw him walk into a bar and immediately had to know who he was. He was okay looking and really awkward but I gave into the energy and let this relationship run it's course. KG became a bit clingy for my taste, considering we were not in an exclusive relationship or anything.

These instances of instant energy connections don't happen often and I've recently experienced the same type of energy connection that I had with TH. I was hanging out at a local bar and this guy walked up to me. As he was approaching I was overwhelmed with flashbacks to TH and was excited to feel alive again. Unfortunately, I don't think this person is going to turn into anything relationship-wise, as he lives in another state and travels often... Call me a masochist but I also can't resist seeing him anytime he is close just to get that amazing sense of positive, nerve tingling, butterflies in the stomach energy. I can't put into words the way I feel when he is around me but it's addicting and like any addiction, I can't resist getting my fix when it's available.